Archive for December, 2011

A Towel On The Rack Means ‘I’ll reuse’ And A Towel On The Floor Means ‘Please Exchange’


I see these “Save the environment by reusing towels” signs in most hotels, but it doesn’t seem to have any effect anyone I travel with.  My travel companions consistently insist on having new towels every single day.  Are you for real?  I’m no crazy environmentalist, but do you really need a new towel for every time you shower?  If I’m lucky, I’m laundering my shower towel once a year.

If you need a new towel every time you shower, you clearly need to get better at cleansing yourself.  The whole point of showering is to wash yourself, so by the time that towel touches your soaking wet, naked body and nether regions, it should be touching something clean.  We all know I have some germophobic tendencies, but even I can afford to reuse a shower towel a few times at a hotel.


High-IQ Waste Products


… where all the geniuses go to relieve their bowels.


Words I Realized: Shrebble


shrebble [shreb-uh’l], n – a makeshift nose-cleaning device constructed by twisting a tissue into a sharp point

A cottony paper spear is what it is.  Sometimes, booger-related debris gets stuck in the deep recesses of my nose.  What am I supposed to do… NOT get it out?  It’s obstructing my airway.  More importantly, if I leave that hardened crust on the deep inner walls of my nostrils, I’m at increased risk for suffering extreme pain if someone pinches my nose.  That always hurts way more than you think it would, on account of the hardened crust.

After meticulously fashioning a shrebble and using that shrebble to deep-clean her nose right in front of her boyfriend Ricky, Glenda knew that she and Ricky had achieved a whole new level of closeness.   

Wait, shrebble?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?


Maybe Next Time, Take More Than One Shot?


Is it just me, or does the kid all the way on the right look like he’s in pain?  Everyone else in the photo looks thrilled – all smiles and happy faces… except for the little dude on the right, who appears to be passing a kidney stone.


This Is Exactly What I Didn’t Want To Happen

Well, this is most unfortunate. I clearly won’t be able to take down this entire movie-theater-sized bag of candy in one sitting, but this shoddy tear is gonna make it challenging to preserve the uneaten gummies. I really don’t know how I tore such an incongruous pattern. If this were a game of Tetris, I would be seeking out a piece shaped like an upside-down Idaho.

I’m pondering what the best course of action is in this situation. Clearly these need to be stored in a tightly sealed environment, or else they will dry out for sure. I hate stale gummies because they have a texture akin to that of mealy polenta. The “Bag Roll-down Maneuver” is out of the question. Looks like I’ll just have to eat them all now, and going forward, I’ll aim to get better at rip jobs.


Life’s Little Pleasures: Watching The Change Add Up


There’s something oddly satisfying about watching small change slowly but surely add up to the desired amount on a vending machine’s digital display.  Just dropping in a bunch of nickels and dimes that somehow magically add up to the $1.50 that I need for my Vitamin Water.  $1.35… $1.40… $1.45… $1.50!!!  Absolutely captivating.

I mean, it takes a whole bunch of small change to make a dollar-fifty.  Since there is no mathematical way to figure out exactly how many nickels it takes, let’s just say it takes, I don’t know, 100 nickels to make $1.50.  Wait, is that right?  Yeah, that’s right.  One hundred.  That’s a lot of nickels.

And I want to be clear here… I’m not saying I get my rocks off by getting rid of my change all at once in exchange for Vitamin Water.  What I’m saying is that I get my rocks off by watching the amount shown on the vending machine gradually go from practically zero to a significant quantity of change, say $1.50, which happens to be enough money to purchase one Vitamin Water.  I like the yellow flavor.


But Knives And Small Explosives Are Fine

I realized that this is the kind of sign you should expect to see if you visit a Champps restaurant in Minnesota.


Words I Realized: Tolvince

Tolvince [tahl-vuh’ns], n,v – the last pull of a rolled paper product

I’d hate to throw away perfectly good toilet paper, but I’m really struggling to gather these last few strips.  Did they really have to break out the Krazy Glue for this?  “Affixing tissue to a cardboard tube”—that doesn’t sound like a prototypical Krazy Glue job.  They should just use the same glue that’s used for Post-it Notes.  That’s right.  The people at Charmin should call the people at 3M and cut a deal to buy some of their glue.  Serves the same purpose, except now the last square slides right off, delicately.  That makes sense, right?  I mean, does that not make perfect sense?

Since there was no other toilet paper in sight, Nancy Updike carefully and meticulously peeled back the tolvince, and in doing so, was able to amass an amply sized wad of toilet paper for her final wipe. 


Wait, tolvince?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

Not Sure How This One Got Past Quality Control

Really?  In Chain? Because that looks like standard-issue plastic to me.


Special Thanks To Craig Cohen for always checking to see where his products are sourced from.

Whatever Works…

“Screen-play success” helped the Jets defeat the Chiefs, eh? Sounds like a pretty unconventional football training technique, but hey, maybe the creative process inspired the players to think on another level. I’ve got a few questions, though:

  1. Who wrote the screenplay… the whole team or just a few of the guys?
  2. When did they have time to write a 120-page script? Was it during the off-season?
  3. Is it an adapted screenplay or an original screenplay?
  4. Wait, is it a sequel to the acclaimed motion picture “Little Giants” entitled “Little Jets?”
  5. If it is indeed the sequel entitled “Little Jets,” is Rick Moranis still going to be involved?
  6. If your first choice is Rick Moranis, but he isn’t available, can I audition to play the coach?
  7. Why not?
  8. Will you at least take a look at my headshot and résumé?

That’s it, I guess.


Efficiency At Its Finest

“Is it raining?” wondered Demitri, as he rotated his right hand to the “Carrying-a-tray-of-hors-de-oeuvres” position.  The clouds above him were ominous—there was no doubt about that.  But he just couldn’t be certain as to whether or not it was actually raining.  What else could he have done?  He was by himself.  There weren’t any random people around that he could ask… but even if there were, Demitri’s aversion to fleeting interactions would certainly lessen the chances of that happening.  All that was left to do was to face his palm toward the sky and feel for little droplets—a task that no other part of his body could have done with such exacting precision.

This is what we do when we want to determine if it’s raining.


WIR “Sports” Commentary: Penetrating The Defense


Sometimes, when the game is on the line, one must turn to special plays like the “Diagonal Power Penis” in order to get it done.


Special Thanks To Claudia Cieslak and Jordan Sill for rewinding the football game so we could pause at this particular moment and bask in the glory of an accidental phallus.

Words I Realized: Bubwick

bubwick [buhb-wik], n, v – the distinct pattern of gibberish that one always sings in place of a familiar song’s lyrics when one does not know the actual words to a specific line of that song; to sing this pattern of gibberish

I’ve made the same exact nonsensical noise during this one line at the beginning of “Tha Crossroads” by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony every time I’ve listened to it. “Ziggidot-noam-pahdo-mah-zigzig Uncle Charlie…” It’s basically just filler noise so as not to throw off my rhythm for the remainder of the song. Because I’m pretty good with all the other words; it’s just those few mystery words that get me every time. I’ve been listening to this song for years and still have no idea what the guy is saying there. So a while ago, I just made something up, and it stuck. It sounds vaguely like what the singer is saying; granted, the singer is mumbling at an alarming speed. I’m sure the intended lyrics are really beautiful, but for me, there’s no going back at this point.

On karaoke night, it became apparent that Marcel did not actually know the second line to The Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” when he bubwicked hardcore — “It’s been one week since you looked at me… satoo-rudda-doo-mow and then I’m angry.”  That can’t be right.

Wait, bubwick?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?


What Kind Of Crap Are You Trying To Pull Here?


Hmmm… Pay / Half?  If memory serves me correctly,  Pay ÷ 0.5  =  (Pay  x  2)

I refuse to pay double for whatever it is you sell.  Nice try, mister.


Special Thanks To A. Sage Fine for using her cat-like reflexes and salmon-like(?) precision to masterfully take this photo while behind the wheel.

Too Hot Food Face

Allow me to paint a picture.  You’re at a wedding.  You meet an attractive female and think she digs you.  A waiter approaches the two of you with a plate of hors d’oeuvres.  You grab a deep fried mushroom and pop it into your mouth.  Life is good.

Approximately one millisecond later, molten mushroom explodes into your mouth.  Adrenaline surges throughout your body, and you make the above face.  Tongue retracted so as to minimize contact with the mushroom.  Lips puckered and emitting short puffs of air, thereby facilitating heat-air exchange while simultaneously shielding onlookers from a view of the vile chewed-up mushroom.

Do you grab a napkin and spit?   Chances are you wanna keep talking to this girl, so you’re gonna need to take a gulp of water and transform your mouth into a marsh of soggy mushroom, watery mushroom batter, and deep fryer oil.  It won’t be a pleasant swallow, but it’s better than the alternative (which is pieces of skin hanging off the roof of your mouth).

This is the Too Hot Food Face.


%d bloggers like this:
Skip to toolbar