Archive for February, 2012

Words I Realized: Stocklies

Stocklies [stok-leez], n deliberate contortions of the upper body and torso, performed after an exceedingly filling meal, in order to alleviate the discomfort of an overly filled stomach

I told you I could take down that entire pizza myself.  No biggie.  Just do a couple of stocklies and I’ll be ready for the peach cobbler.  Hands on the upper thighs, gyrate the pelvis, rotate the abdomen.  Really try to rearrange the orientation of some of the items stuffed inside.  There’s gotta be a little bit of empty space somewhere.

“Now push your stomach to the right,” said the severely obese Morris to his eleven-year-old son, Cooper, as he taught him the wonders of stocklies

Wait, stocklies?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

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I Can’t Believe You’re Actually Gonna Make Me Empty All These Warm Juice Boxes

The guy who wrote this sign must have been burned far too many times by people being like, “Sorry man.  I didn’t realize that all liquids included coffee specifically purchased from a bagel stand.”

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Haphazard Word Choices

Hmmm… I wonder what the Weihenstephan Hefe-Weiss is like.  Let me check the description:

“Refreshing wheat beer…”

Okay, I’m with you.  Sounds good.  Go on.

“… with a yeasty fragrance.”

Yeasty?  YEASTY?  Boy, is that an unappetizing adjective.  There’s gotta be a significantly less disgusting way to describe this beer.  I bet it’s actually a pretty enjoyable brew, but now I’ve got the word “yeasty” stuck in my head, so I am no longer interested in the Weihenstephan Hefe-Weiss.  In fact, I may have to just call it a night.

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Muffins Of Champions

I need to understand why it is socially acceptable to eat a chocolate chip muffin for breakfast, but not a slice of cake.  You cannot make an argument that a double chocolate chip muffin is any less decadent than a piece of apple cobbler.  You can’t even say that the muffin is healthier!  In fact, I’d venture to say that the muffin is much more unhealthy.  At least there’s nutritional value in the apples.

And please be mindful – I’m not saying you shouldn’t eat a chocolate chocolate chip muffin for breakfast.  By all means, you should.  I do it all the time, which is why I have love handles.  What I am saying is kids, if your parents permit you to eat a double chocolate chip muffin for breakfast, you should use this argument to get them to let you eat cookies.  Be mindful, however, that this can also backfire.  There’s always the chance that your parents agree with your point, and then take away your chocolate muffin privileges.

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I Like Broccoli, But That Can’t Be Worth It

 

Hmmm… I think I’ll go with the Zucchini Fritti.  The first dish sounds painful.

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Words I Realized: Puñardo

puñardo [poon-yahr-doh], n – overloaded nachos, which have become soft and mushy after prolonged exposure to moist toppings and must now be eaten with a fork

This is nacho lasagna, straight-up.  You heard me.  The topping-to-chip ratio is very different here from the initial, outermost layer. I ate that first layer of nachos by hand, and I’ll tell you this – the chips were crunchy and erect, able to support a hefty load of beans, guac, jalapenos, and other gassy things.  But now, the sheer volume of chili has overwhelmed the defenseless chips with an onslaught of viscous, beefy chowder. What started off as a casual finger food has now become a high-maintenance inconvenience, requiring utensils.  But I’ll probably eat it anyway because I’m very serious about my daily fiber intake, and there’s some good stuff in there.

Dennis and his toothless grandmother, Francine, always used to love sharing nachos. Dennis would eat the crunchy ones on top, and Francine would take the puñardo – an ideal situation.

Wait, puñardo?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

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That Name Is A Bit Of A Stretch

If this is paradise, I’m willing to trade my “two tickets to paradise” for one ticket to Trenton.

I Think The Department Of Health Overlooked This One…

Okay little third graders… Please defecate, and then immediately pick up this plastic bathroom pass that you placed on the psmatiste-infested floor while you did your business.  Don’t even bother washing your hands, because let’s be honest, it won’t make a difference once you grasp this restroom pass that is saturated with the excretions of American youth.  If I had any common sense back then, I would have just held it in until 2:45 when school was over.  I knew that my parents didn’t institute the same policy at home, so I could relieve myself without also having to handle the excrement cocktail that is an elementary school bathroom pass.

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Special Thanks To Corey Witt for somehow ending up somewhere that required him to use a bathroom pass.

WIR “Sports” Commentary: Lin God We Trust

 

In the spirit of “Linsanity” and the Jeremy Lin craze currently sweeping the nation, we at What I Realized have come up with some new Lin-related terms to add to the mix:

Linsomnia – an unwanted side effect of Linsanity

Lincontinence – getting so excited while watching Jeremy Lin play basketball that you literally shit yourself

Lindependent woman – a strong, sexy, confident female, who’s sassy like Jeremy Lin

Lin-dependent woman – a female who relies completely on Jeremy Lin

Lindianapolis – the capital of Lindiana

Jeremyocardial Linfarction – when someone gets so worked up watching Jeremy Lin play basketball that he/she has a heart attack (a.k.a. a myocardial infarction)

If you happen to know Jeremy, please tell him about these.  Thank you.

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This Is A Step In The Right Direction For TV Programming

Do you see what that says?  Only interested viewers have the opportunity to watch this show.  Based on this program description, people who are uninterested do not even have the ability to view Shane Untamed.  But what’s unfortunate is that we will never be able to confirm whether or not an uninterested viewer is actually physically able to watch this show.  Think about it—if a person originally not interested decides to watch the show, even just for a few minutes to give it a chance, that person, in theory, would become an “interested viewer”, if only for a few fleeting moments.  Are you following me?  Anyone who opts to watch will then become interested and therefore we cannot disprove that uninterested viewers do not have the opportunity to watch.  Does that even make sense?

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Words I Realized: Stolch

stolch [stohlch], n – toothpaste stains on a sink

If left unattended to, a distinct skidmark such as this one could turn into a burdensome, ciggitch-like substance in less than a day. We’re gonna have to do something about it, but let me make one thing clear – I DO NOT want to touch any substance that has journeyed throughout the interstices of your mouth.  Not even through a paper towel.  Instead, I’m gonna do that move where I tilt my hand underneath the faucet to direct the flow of water directly on top of the toothpaste.  I rock at that move.

Riley spent a good seven minutes explaining to his wife, Fern, that the stolch he left on the sink that morning was in fact a sign of endearment and not complete indifference towards her various cleanliness-related requests. 

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Wait, stolch?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

Special Thanks To Blake Furman, whose oral hygiene habits led to the creation of this word.

I Wonder What Celebration Coincides With Women’s History Month

 

I can’t tell if this is a joke or not.

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Pile o’ Jackets

 

Whoa, hold up!  Stop the party!  Attention, please.  Has anyone seen my coat?  It’s time for me to go home, and I can’t find it.  It’s a medium-length black pea coat.  No, not that one… or that one.  It’s kinda black and plain and cottony – you know, like a jacket.  Wait, I think I see it!  Nope, that’s a lady’s coat.  Shut up.

Maybe it’s finally time to get myself a bedazzled orange leather jacket, in order to simplify this whole process.  I’d be like, “It’s time to leave.  Where’s my coat?  Oh hey, look… there it is, right there.  The bright fucking orange leather jacket covered in rhinestones.  I can see it from across the room.”  Kinda like how it’s always best to travel with ridiculous blue floral-pattern luggage.  The baggage claim is a piece of cake when you can recognize your hideous suitcase from 150 feet away.  Or so I’ve heard.

Almost every time I find myself in the midst of a severe jacket-pile fiasco, by the end of the night, I’m too drunk and tired to be able to handle the situation.  Negotiating the rescue of a pea coat from the bottom of a 30-jacket monstrosity inside a dark bar is no easy feat, even for a sober person with adequate hand-eye coordination (which I most certainly am not).  Nevertheless, once I’m reasonably confident I’ve got a hold of my own coat (like at least 70% sure), I forcefully yank the garment outward with one quick, jerky motion, in an attempt to maintain the structural integrity of the pile – a relentless game of Jacket Jenga.

Phew, I’ve removed it without creating a scene.  Now a quick pocket check to make sure I’ve got the right coat, and… BINGO!  There’s my Binaca, the spray kind.

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Cold Plus Hot Equals Warm, Right?

Look, I understand that back in the day, they may have had some funky issues with the plumbing, but times have changed and sinks have become significantly more sophisticated.  There’s no “old school charm” associated with this. I can understand the vintage appeal of a 50’s record player, but this is purely an inconvenience.  No one sees one of these sinks and thinks to himself, “Yes!  Just like the 1870’s, when the water temperature choices were binary.”  This is just plain annoying, end of story.  Not to mention, the hot is so fucking hot!   Maybe if the hot faucet were more of a warm, I could see an argument in favor this style of hand washing system, but I can assure you, no one is making tea with the bathroom water.   Upgrade your sinks.

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It’s Gotta Be Something In His Diet…

Scented candles come in all the usual flavors… vanilla bean, strawberry, fresh cherries… and Giorgio.  That dude must smell awesome.

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