Archive for March, 2012

It Happens To The Best Of Us?


Dammit… stupid humidity. I’ve been sitting for two hours. Now my undies are sticking to my butt cheeks, and I’m not happy about it. It’s not quite a wedgie, since the fabric has not infiltrated my crack, but rather has stuck to the warm, moist skin along the surface of my tooshie. I’m not gross; you’re gross.

It’s okay… just keep smiling.  Ugh, I feel like everyone can tell.  But realistically, how could they possibly?  No one can see through my jeans, and this is strictly an underpants issue. Na’ mean? Denim is opaque. That’s what I’m saying, basically.

Regardless, I need to peel this soggy cotton off of my gluteus ASAP. Probably gonna have to incorporate a maneuver like this into my game plan. Problem soon to be solved.


Did I Grow Up And Miss The Lesson On Terrazzo Floor?

Should I know what this means?  There’s only one style of floor in the lobby of my building, so guess that’s the terrazzo floor.  So what was the point of including this word?  I think management just wants to advertise to people that the building does, in fact, have terrazzo floors.  I’m sure 37 out of 41 people would have no idea what it means, but they’d assume it’s high quality because it sounds fancy and Italian.


What I Realized: Moelsch Technique

moeslch technique [mohlsh tek-neek], n – a method of wrapping a sandwich, burrito or other similar food product, whereby the preparer folds the wrapper into the actual product to more securely wrap the food

Awesome guys, thanks.  I was really hoping to consume as much wax paper as possible during this lunch, so as always, I appreciate your use of the moelsch technique.  I know you’re doing it with the best of intentions to secure my taco more snugly, but I would infinitely rather you wrap it normally so I don’t have to ingest deli paper.  You’re lucky your soft shell tacos are so freakin’ good.  You realize that every time I eat here, I have to consciously open up my soft shell taco to remove the paper from the middle, and then re-roll my taco.  You do realize that, right?

Use of the moelsh technique can be traced back to the 16th century, when nobles would use a variation of the technique to securely seal their cigars, which made sense given that cigars are not meant to opened; how this became a trend in the food service industry remains unknown. 


Wait, moelsch technique?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

These Are The Gimmicks Toothpaste Companies Are Resorting To

That’s right.  Got me some of this new 2 in 1 Colgate—toothpaste and mouthwash rolled up into a single oral hygiene product.  It cleans my teeth AND freshens my breath… ya know, not like standard toothpaste.


Pi Equals Three Point One Four One Five Nine Two…

Ooooo, FANCY – the number 477 written in a cursive font.  So regal.  This must be where the Queen lives… the Queen of Unnecessarily-Long-Written-Number-Land.  OHHHHHH, dissed and dismissed, son!  Does it hurt?  I bet it does.

But seriously, the written, lettered form of a number serves no functional purpose whatsoever.  In fact, it can create needless confusion, especially if a person trying to arrive at that written address happens to suck at reading/writing cursive.  “477” is just so much simpler, and best of all, it’s universal.  These numerical digits are recognized and understood all around the world.  It’s a beautiful thing, right?  Can’t see how that could possibly be a negative.  So why do we waste our time on this nonsense?

Truth is, at the end of the day, I do have a soft spot for certain weirdo examples of this numbers phenomenon; for example, those addresses like 27-45 N. Dingus Blvd., with a two-part house number.  If I lived there, I’d probably put up an official sign that reads, “Twenty Seven Hyphen Forty Five North Dingus Boulevard.”  See?  Now, it’s totally classy, because I spelled out hyphen.  It’s probably safe to assume that house has a perfect entertainment setup to enjoy the acclaimed television series “Beverly Hills, Nine Oh Two One Oh.”  After all, this is the year two thousand twelve, is it not?


Special Thanks To Ms. Alexandra Fine for bringing this urgent matter to my attention a few years ago, like a damn revolutionary.

Waste Of A Perfectly Good Signature Line

Customer copies with signature lines only serve to confuse the diner.  If it’s a carbon copy, it makes sense that the signature is there, but beyond that, I just don’t understand.   Maybe it’s there to remind people that they did, in fact, agree to pay the amount shown on the bill… you know, for those times where you are looking over your bank statement and remember eating a meal, but can’t recall whether or not you agreed to pay for it.

Does signing the customer copy make it a legally binding document?  Like can I write in a $60 tip on the restaurant copy to seem like baller, and then drop it to twenty bucks on my customer copy, sign it, and call it a day?  I’m sorry American Express.  I never authorized a $60 tip.  Sure, I can fax over the signed customer copy as proof.

If you insist on having signature lines on both the customer and merchant copies, just don’t mark one as “customer”.  Doing so is about as unnecessary as this sign.  Because, let’s be honest… if there’s a signature line on it, it doesn’t really matter which one I sign and leave at the restaurant.   I’ve tried leaving a signed customer copy at a restaurant before, in hopes to avoid paying for a meal.  Still got charged.


Special Thanks To Amanda Davis for signing official documents prior to reading the fine print.

Kinda Like How German Measles Is Its Own Thing, Too?

What exactly is “Hispanic Anxiety?”  Obviously, it’s not the same thing as traditional anxiety, otherwise there wouldn’t be two separate treatment programs.  Is this a specific type of anxiety that only afflicts Hispanic people, or is it a type of anxiety that xenophobes get while worrying about Hispanic people?  I want answers.


Words I Realized: Periorectus

periorectus [peri-oh-rek-tuhs], n plural periorectuses – a brief monologue at the beginning of a hip hop track, before the first verse of the actual song, usually, but not always, delivered by the rapper himself

Lots of hip hop artists do this, and I appreciate it.  They just go ahead and provide me with some background information, so that I know what the hell is up.   Some opening remarks from the man himself, and now, I’m ready to be serenaded in rhyme, the whole time keeping in mind Biggie’s informative message at the very beginning about the teachers who told him he’d never amount to nothin’ and those dicks who called the police on him when he was just trying to make some money to feed his daughter.  His daughter, dammit.  See?  I’m way more into it now.  This majestic, godfather-like dog knows what I’m talking about.

While discussing periorectuses with his friends, Thom suggested that the most widely famous periorectus ever is probably the girls at the beginning of “Baby Got Back.”


This Is Gonna Be Huge, Guys.

Way to just casually slip that in there, between Juice Drinks and Seltzers.


Do You Think Staring Me Down Is Gonna Get Me To Stop Eating My Candy?

What do you want me to do?  I didn’t design this candy bag.  It’s not my fault that the plastic is insanely loud and crinkly when I dive in for a handful. I’m trying to do it as quietly as possible.  And no, I’m not about to do the “pour a portion into my hand” technique.  Perhaps I’d consider it if they were gummi bears, but not Sour Patch.  I don’t want a lap full of sugar crystals, son!

Plus, aren’t you happy for me?  You know how bad I am at ripping open candy bags.  This here is one of the best rips I’ve had in recent memory.   And calm down, man!  Look on the screen.  The movie hasn’t even started yet.  Do you really need absolute silence to watch the “Welcome to AMC Theaters.  Please turn off your cell phones” portion of the previews?  You know I always finish my candy before the actual movie starts.  So just chill.


Those Folks Are Some Creative M*#&^r%}~erz

Censorship of profanity used to be a very simple practice – the old “f*ck” single asterisk maneuver was standard practice (see above).  Eventually, though, some “sh*ts”, “b*tches”, and even the occasionally “p*ssy” would pop up here and there.  It was kinda hilarious because, as it turns out, a single sh*tty little asterisk does a horrible job of masking any obvious or lengthy profanities (like, say, c*cksucker).  So somewhere along the way, lots of people rebelled and abandoned the simplicity of the single asterisk, in order to cultivate their own original, homegrown, classic sequences of special punctuation marks to signify the word “fuck.”

For example, Cee Lo Green and Cam’ron revolutionized the course of human history with edgy personal interpretations of censoring the word “fuck” itself…







… while 50 Cent, Xzibit, and Ludacris literally wrote the book on spelling the censored version of “motherfucker,” with each one having his own distinct spelling:






And then, of course, there’s this lady, who didn’t even include a single alphabetical letter in hers.  Talk about a curveball…











At This Point, They Might As Well Make The Urinals Touch

How did this bathroom designer know I like making elbow-to-elbow contact with other men while urinating?


Special Thanks To Blake Furman for his shameless bathroom photography.

Words I Realized: Groke

groke [grohk], n – a sip from an overflowing beverage taken to lower the level of the liquid and facilitate picking up the drink without spillage.

Some people dive right into the center with both lips (above), while others will use a more conventional approach, with the lower lip anchoring the mouth to the glass.   Regardless of how you position your lower lip, the rest of the procedure is the same.  Never touch the glass – just face plant right into the glass and use your hands for stability.  Then, you almost breathe the liquid into your mouth, if that makes sense.  You don’t drink the beverage, per se.  It’s more of a suck.

Ramon bet Wade that he could consume three inches of beer in a single groke; unfortunately for Ramon, he forgot about his gag reflex. 


Wait, groke?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

Special Thanks To Matt Olson for having his priorities in order and suspending semi-important matters to go to a bar and snap this photograph.

Apparently I’ve Been Skipping A Step All These Years


Turn off engine?  Done.  No smoking?  Check.  Discharge my static electricity before fueling?  Okay… let me pull out my physics textbook.


Special Thanks To Corey Witt for always reading the instructions, even for something as trivial as filling up his gas tank.

The Manual Leg Cross

“I sure could go for a change of pace right now,” thought Anfernee, halfway through a seminar.  “Crossing my leg would really hit the spot.”

He tries to cross his leg the normal casual way, but his long-ass legs will not cooperate.  It’s possible that this auditorium was designed for hobbits.  Anfernee has already kicked the guy in front of him twice, and not by choice.  A precarious situation, indeed.  Note the sweaty brow.  He’s working hard here.  Kinda looks like he’s making the “Reaching for your Wallet” Face… but don’t be fooled.  This is NOT the “Reaching for your Wallet” Face.  Just a human being using his arms to try to manually cross his leg.

I imagine Anfernee needs to use this technique pretty often, like at a restaurant, for example.  He can’t just be recklessly flailing his leg into a crossed position because he’ll probably wind up kicking the bottom of the table by accident.  Loud noise, spilled drinks, broken hearts.  So he leans back, grabs that ankle, and then slowly eases his stringbean-like leg into a comfy cross.  Aaahhhhhhhhh, sensational.  Go Anfernee.



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