Archive for August, 2012

H. Tubman, F. Douglass, S. Claus?

Okay, what the hell is Santa doing on this very exclusive short list of great African American heroes?  I’m sure he’s a wonderful guy and everything, and clearly he’s got special powers if he can deliver presents to every Christian child in the world over the course of one night (a night, mind you, that is often littered with icy roads, frozen rooftops, and unforgiving weather).  I’d never deny that.  But he just seems strikingly out of place next to the likes of Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass.

OH SNAP… maybe Santa is a civil rights activist during the other 364 days of the year!  (And the other 365 days on a leap year.)  I think I’m onto something…

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I Think They Need A Better Props Guy

 

This is not something you expect to see at 2:27.  If it’s in the afternoon, it’s a bit weird.  If it’s 2:27 AM, that just seems a bit irresponsible, letting a little girl stay up that late.

Special Thanks To Craig Cohen for for somehow noticing this.

Words I Realized: Scanter

scanter [skan-ter], n, v – a lean in unison that is most often present in group photos taken while sitting at a table

Arrite, everyone lean towards the center! This is not the time for proper posture. Don’t be afraid to get a little intimate.  Place your hand on the shoulder of the person next to you and show that you care.  Go ahead, gingerly place your hand on his or her shoulder.  That’s right.  Now smile.

No one else wanted little Demarco in the picture, so when the photogapher told Demarco that his scanter bought him into the field of view, he was in fact was a good few inches below the lower border.

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Wait, scanter?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

What Do We Make Of This?

Is this the work of a disgruntled caption-writer or is someone just completely ignorant of everyday simultaneous male urination slang?

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Special Thanks To Craig Cohenfor always reading the captions of Star Wars-related photos.

Yes, Yes, A Thousand Times Yes

I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but this photo is freaking spectacular.  Like probably one of the top 10 photos I’ve seen in my life, including magazines, periodicals, and the entire interweb.  Is this the poster for a Bollywood adaptation of “The Wayans Bros.”?  Maybe.  It’s totally possible based on the photograph alone.

Regardless, I’m pretty sure that various members of society would buy apparel with this wonderful image on it… I’m talking postcards, t-shirts, mugs, thongs, Walkerballs, and so on and so forth.  Tell us, society… would you purchase those items if they were made available to you?

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Special Thanks To Pan & Abhinav for being spectacular.

This Podium Should At Least Have Wheels For Rapid Relocation

Cool, so just to confirm my understanding, I should be giving my money to you and not to the homeless person down the block? Okay, that makes sense, because you’re with a homeless collection agency.  Ya know, because it’s not like there’s an actual homeless person right over there who legitimately needs my help this very instant.  I think this may be one of those situations where it’s better to skip the middle man.  Are you really gonna stand there and try to compete with this poor dude for potential donations?  And you have the audacity to try to outdo him with your fancy green podium and plexiglass collection box.  Who do you think you are?  Do you actually think you’re giving back to society?

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Special Thanks To Kate Irving for sharing with us her donation theories.

Filberts

Did you know that hazelnuts are also known as filberts?  FILBERTS.  It’s true.  You’re welcome for that totally useful piece of information.

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Words I Realized: Cludge

cludge [cluhj], n – umbrella traffic

When it rains and I’m on a crowded street, I constantly have to raise and lower my umbrella to account for the variable heights of other people and their respective umbrellas as they pass by on the sidewalk.  The worst is when one of the little metal points on the outer edges of the umbrella gets caught on someone or something, because I always get spun around like a damn idiot.  Why is this umbrella the boss of me?  I know it protects my tender, delicate hair from the elements, but are the elements really gonna make me that much less handsome when I arrive at my destination than I was when I left home?

Gerard noticed that it was raining outside but still opted to leave his umbrella at home in order to avoid the annoying-ass cludge that was certain to be present in Times Square during mating season.

Wait, cludge?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

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The Moment We’ve All Been Waiting For

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, random sweaty people on the subway… it is my distinct pleasure to present to you, from the people who brought you “No Turn On Red” and “Right Lane Must Turn Right,” the latest and greatest in traffic light bling – DELAYED GREEN.  Yeah!

(I’m not sure what the sign means.)

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Dress Shirts Should Come With Voucher For A Free Dry Cleaning

You think I own an iron?  Obviously not.  Which means the only way this brand new shirt is going to look presentable is for me to get it dry cleaned.  Which is ridiculous, considering the shirt is already clean and delicious.  Why haven’t they developed some sort of way to package shirts such that they are wearable from the moment you unwrap them?  And what’s even more ridiculous is that this is a non-iron shirt!  Shouldn’t that, by definition, mean that I should never have to iron it?  This of all shirts should never get wrinkled.  Ever.   So I guess non-iron actually means that you need to perform an inaugural iron (or in my case, do an inaugural dry cleaning), and thereafter you should be in the clear.  I can’t believe I have to go to the cleaners now.

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Special Thanks To Kris Olsen for getting fed up with this one too many times.

Say What Now?

No.  Nuh uh.  Absolutely not.  I like to try new things and all, but there’s a limit to what species of dairy I’m willing to rub all over myself everyday.  As a matter of fact, the idea of rubbing ANY kind of lathery milk product through every crevice of my body is effing disgusting… like even the breast milk of a dozen Brazilian supermodels or other milks of that caliber.  But a GOAT?  Seriously?  With that idiotic picture on the box, right next to the logo for I’m guessing the manufacturer of this product:  Canus.  Yup… CANUS.  ‘Anus’ is in there, which is generally a downer in terms of the whole cleanliness thing.

Dear lord, look at the text on the bottom of the box – they’re bragging about using FRESH goat’s milk, as opposed to rancid, maggoty, clumpy goat’s milk.  Bravo… NOT.  <in your face>

I’ll just continue to use goat-free soap.

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Are There Any Other Duplicate Body Parts I Should Know About?

Apparently there’s more than one type of cervix.

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Words I Realized: Soprista

soprista [suh-priss-tuh], n, – the day after tomorrow  

“So this dinner is tomorrow?  Oh ok, I thought you scheduled it for soprista. My mistake.”  Do you see how easy and natural that was?  Now compare that to, “Oh ok, I thought you scheduled it for the day after tomorrow.”  That sounds stupid and wordy and verbose.  Soprista is tight and effortless and even sounds a bit edgy.  And it’s not, “We’re doing it ON soprista,” because that’d just be silly.  Just like we don’t say “on tomorrow”, we don’t say “on soprista”.  Just say “We’re doing it soprista” and people will understand.  You follow?

Lyle wanted Chinese for dinner today, while Kim wanted to have it soprista, so the two agreed to do it tomorrow and then had animalistic sex.

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Wait, soprista?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

Special Thanks To Buzz Bambrook for finally getting fed up with saying “day after tomorrow”.

Maybe MN Stands For Manitoba?

This here is exactly why I never understood Canada.

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Special Thanks To Corey Witt for always checking to see where his consumer goods are made.

I Want To Know How Much Of Charmin’s Revenue Comes From Single Roll Sales

Who is the target market for the single roll of toilet paper?  I’m trying to envision a scenario where I would only buy a single roll of toilet paper, and I’m not having much success.   It’s not like I’m gonna finish the roll and be done with toilet paper as a product.  Once a customer, you are a customer for life. And for that reason, I can’t understand this being offered as a product line.  When would you only need to wipe yourself for an abbreviated period time?  Nowhere, and especially not near a California Pizza Kitchen earlier today.

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Special Thanks To Bryan Prouse who always waltzes right past the single rolls and straight to the 24-pack.

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