December 15th, 2015
Blake & Matt
Fundamentally, I believe that all people are created equal, and I am excited to visit other parts of the world and enjoy the opportunity to learn about places and cultures different from my own.
However, when filling out my personal info on a website today, I had to scroll all the way to the ‘U’ section on an alphabetized list, like some sort of peasant. Absolutely unacceptable. I get it, okay? There are lots of other countries in the world, America isn’t the center of the universe, blah, blah, blah…
Just put USA at the top, where I arbitrarily feel it belongs. Freedom, everyone! Freedom.
December 11th, 2015
Blake & Matt
Cinnamon?! Are you fucking kidding me? This is an outrage.
When I pop a beautiful red jelly bean into my mouth, I expect to be delighted by the tender caress of sweet cherry goodness upon my taste buds. From time to time, however, I get blindsided by the harsh sting of cinnamon, which is absolutely terrifying for a second or two. And to be honest, I actually quite like cinnamon. The issue here is the expectation of cherry, shattered abruptly by the pungent shock of non-consensual cinnamon. It ruins the entire jelly bean experience and makes me doubt my candy selection abilities and, in turn, myself, as a man. I’ve been bait-and-switched by cherry’s ugly cousin, cinnamon, on multiple traumatizing occasions.
Enough is enough. It’s time that we, as a society, organize and finally do the right thing, the sensible thing — make cinnamon jelly beans brown. That’s right… BROWN. You know, like the color of fucking cinnamon. I’ve seen hundreds, maybe thousands of red cherries in my life and a grand total of zero red cinnamon sticks.
Make the cinnamon jelly beans brown. Does anyone know who’s in charge of jelly beans?
December 7th, 2015
Blake & Matt
blucking [bluhk-ing], v – an accelerated chewing process, typically accompanied by a circular hand gesture and repetitive nodding, used to indicate that you’ve got something to say but have too much food in your mouth to allow for verbal communication
About five seconds ago, my friend asked how I like my new apartment. Pretty normal question. Unfortunately, a half-second before that, I took an ambitious — dare I say, brave — bite of my sandwich… completely unaware, at the initial moment of biting, that this direct question would be coming my way. I’m actually happy to answer the question: my new apartment is a significant upgrade from before, and living with my girlfriend has been really wonderful so far. Incidentally, I’ve also switched to an electric toothbrush, so life is pretty good. But I can’t say any of that right now because this chicken salad is shockingly dense. This one bite will end up taking significant time to swallow, and my friend, the question asker, is clearly waiting for a response. “Just hang tight,” I wordlessly communicate via hand gesture and facial expression (pictured above). Crisis averted?
Bluck like no one’s watching…
Wait, blucking?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?