Archive for January, 2016

Ed Sheeran A Heartless Monster, According To Heartbroken Old Lady

 mean-old-lady

 

“Baby, I… will be loving you… till we’re 70…” — Ed Sheeran

 

But, ummm… Ed, buddy, what exactly happens once you reach age 70?  Are you gonna be like, “Well, my verbal commitment has now expired” and just leave?  Despite the undeniably catchy melody for “Thinking Out Loud,” your lyrics suggest that you plan to abruptly abandon your family (including the children that you likely will have created over the course of the past few decades, the pre-70 decades).  This is the year 2016, when many people live well into their 80s or even 90s… so professing to love someone until you’re 70 kinda sounds like you are preemptively setting the stage for a devastating breakup 40-50 years from now.  This is not the pre-penicillin era, homeboy.  70 isn’t that impressive anymore.

 

IN SUMMARY:  Based on the lyrics to his famous hit song, Ed Sheeran plans to hit it and quit it.

 

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If It Would Please Her Majesty…

bag on seat

Tell the truth, ma’am** — you legitimately believe that your bag is more important than I am.  It’s true, isn’t it?

OMG, it is.  It’s true.  In your heart, you truly feel that your purse — a strappy leather sack containing tissues, gummy bears, maybe some Tylenol — actually DOES take priority over me, a fellow human being.  Remarkable.

No no, don’t be silly… you have nothing to apologize for.  It looks like a really terrific bag.  A good bag.  A respectable bag, that clearly deserves its own seat on this completely packed train.  The kind of bag that probably spent most of his Saturday helping his mother learn how to use a series of increasingly fancy Emojis on her iPhone today.

No, wait… that’s me.  I’m the one who spent over three hours teaching Emojis to mom on a Saturday.  Me.  Not your esteemed bag, okay?  ME.  So, with all due respect, please relocate your bag to a more bag-appropriate spot, while I settle into my seat.  Thank you.

**Sorry not sorry for using the sarcastic “ma’am.”

 

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