Now that Super Bowl 50 has come and gone — with Peyton Manning, Budweiser, and the Denver Broncos victoriously defying doubters’ and Las Vegas oddsmakers’ expectations — we at What I Realized have been reflecting on the entire 2015-16 NFL season. We laughed; we cried. We lived; we loved. Some of us temporarily lost bowel control; some of us did not lose bowel control at all, like not even one single time. Such is life as a fan of American football. Technically having written an introductory paragraph to this post, we now feel ready to unveil our official Top 10 NFL Names List (2015-16 season). This is a big deal, everyone.
PLEASE NOTE: Our Top 10 list will NOT simply be a run-down of the 10 flashiest, multi-syllabic names in the NFL. Although we do appreciate eye-catching, bedazzled names like D’Brickashaw and DeAndre and Barkevious and Jacquizz, this list aims to identify the 10 most all-around outstanding names in the NFL — like overall name quality, as a first-name-last-name combo (with optional middle name or hyphenated names). We looked for names that make us feel jealous and insecure about the coolness and quality of our own names. The process was emotionally draining, but totally worth it.
ALSO PLEASE NOTE: At times throughout this list, you will see the term “sounds like“, which will always be followed by a specific description of what this name sounds like. For example… the vegetable Baby Bok Choy sounds like a 14-year-old rapper. Maybe he’s Asian; maybe he isn’t. I’m not sure.
Anyway, in a very particular order (hence the numbers):
10. Brock Osweiler (QB, Broncos): Very heroic-type name. Would be higher on this list if he played in New England, where the fan base would pronounce it “Brawk Awz-wyluh.” Arguably the whitest name of all time; it is what it is.
9. Captain Munnerlyn (CB, Vikings): Powerful first name + dank, visceral last name = 9th best name this year. Consider adding a middle initial for next season, even if you don’t have a middle name, e.g. Captain F. Munnerlyn.
8. Will Hill (SS, Ravens): Just like my man Buster (pictured above), this guy’s name rhymes. I hope you got that joke. I’m really proud of it. This list is going great so far.
7. Gary Barnidge (TE, Browns): Sounds like a suburban orthodontist and loving husband and father of three, who is medium-bad at golf.
6. Crockett Gillmore (TE, Ravens): Sounds like an elite, old-fashioned financial services firm established circa 1949, i.e. “Crockett Gillmore, LP.”
5. J.R. Sweezy (OG, Seahawks): Sounds like a prolific, multi-platinum selling hip-hop producer turned kitchenware entrepreneur.
4. Charcandrick West (RB, Chiefs): Very official and regal sounding, yet distinctly NFLesque. Solid A-minus.
3. Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Vikings): Presidential. Very presidential, indeed. “Ladies and gentlemen… President Teddy Bridgewater.” See?
2. Baccari Rambo (SS, Ravens): Name suits the tough-guy role beautifully. Pure intimidation and lots of vowel sounds, with a Sly Stallone kicker.
1. Jim Bob Cooter (OC, Lions): Only coach to make the list. Unequivocally the greatest name among people currently working with the NFL in any capacity. All names are NOT created equal, and in this case, it’s not even close. Taking into account the non-hyphenated 1-2 punch of Jim and Bob along with an undeniably, let’s say… anatomical last name, JBC sits atop this prestigious list. Congratulations, Coach! (Fun fact — Jim Bob is literally abbreviated from James Robert.)
Honorable Mentions: Jaquiski Tartt (SS, 49ers); Blake Bortles (QB, Jaguars); LaAdrian Waddle (OL, Patriots); Julius Peppers (DE, Packers); Foswhitt “Fozzy” Whittaker (RB, Panthers)
Special thanks to Topps and Mr. Buster Rhymes for (please) not suing us for using the above image without asking.