Archive for April, 2017

How Noble Of You…


iPhone autocorrects Hitler


Okay, Apple, we get it… you guys are super progressive citizens of the universe and blah, blah, blah.  The above autocorrect suggests that you are literally trying to pretend that you don’t know the term “Hitler.”  Hitler… arguably the most famous historical figure of the past century, and his name is not recognized by your very broad dictionary of terms?  If I type “Kard” into a text message, it automatically inserts “Kardashian,” but Hitler?  Nope, apparently, Apple is unfamiliar with this name.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that you also claim to literally not see race.  “Oh, is Alex Rodriguez of Latino heritage?  Since I’m such an altruist, I’d never make such a bold assumption.”  Please…

Also — with regard to the recommended autocorrect substitutions — what did “Lee” ever do to you, and why do you want to hit him?  I think maybe you’re falsely blaming Hitler’s actions on this Lee character, which is totally unfair.  So no, I will not “hit Lee” just because you refuse to acknowledge that Hitler was an actual person.

#History   #NotFoolingAnyone   #LeeMatters



Shaggy Is Not A Skilled Defense Attorney…

busted 2


Many of you have probably heard the 1990s hit song “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, which begins with Shaggy’s friend desperately seeking out Shaggy’s advice on how to resolve a troublesome situation.

According to his initial statement, Shaggy’s friend was at home — petting, fondling, and ultimately penetrating his female neighbor “butt naked… on the bathroom floor” — until his girlfriend returned home unexpectedly, catching him in the act.  Overwhelmed by this veritable budussy tornado, his girlfriend expresses her displeasure with his unfaithful actions and demands an explanation.  He asks Shaggy how to respond.

Shaggy advises, very matter-of-factly, “Say it wasn’t you.”  After about 1.5 seconds, his friend goes, “Alriiiiiight…”  He took basically zero convincing.  He didn’t even wait to hear Shaggy’s other ideas for how to get out of this jam.  He jumped on that very first idea almost immediately, even though it’s an absolutely preposterous statement and, frankly, an insult to her intelligence.  Did you really think your girlfriend would be fine with it and just drop the topic after you responded to her legitimate concern about your commitment level by claiming that ain’t you?  C’mon, man.

There’s really no wiggle room here.  “It’s not what it looks like” probably isn’t gonna cut it.  I mean, she literally entered his apartment, WHERE HE LIVES, and walked in on a guy, who looks EXACTLY like him, intercoursing with the girl next door.  It doesn’t really get any more straightforward than that.  It’s not like she heard some bullshit rumor that he cheated from a friend of a friend of a friend; she physically witnessed his infidelity, like 10 seconds ago.

Also, as a quick side-note — the intro to the song suggests that this event occurred very recently, like within the past hour… so how the hell did he get to Shaggy’s house to ask him for his advice, amid this major argument with his girlfriend?  She’s like, “Explain yourself, asshole!”  And I guess he’s like, “Hold that thought,” then runs out of his apartment and drives over to Shaggy’s place to seek out advice?

There are some serious inconsistencies here, and I plan on getting to the bottom of it…


Plurals are Hard


debuted sentence


Admit it:  when you read the sentence in this photo, initially — even if only for a second or two — you didn’t realize that it’s the past tense of the verb debut.  Me neither.  In retrospect, I feel like a bit of a dunce… but at the same time, I doubt I’m the only one who’s occasionally thrown off by the “day-byood” vs. “dee-byooted” verbal-optical illusion.

Weirdos of the internet — we challenge you to respond with other examples of this phenomenon.  Just click “Comment” below, and face the challenge like a man/woman/gender-neutral person.  Do it.

Do it.  Please.



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