A Germophobe’s Guide To Handling Life: Touching Where Other People Don’t Touch

Yes, I am doing this on purpose (and by “this”, I am referring to my holding the very top of the subway support column).  Why, you ask, am I doing this?  It’s obvious, son!  I’m a germ-conscious individual, and how many people do you think are grasping the pole at this location?  Probably not too many.  Now think about who’s holding the lower sections o f the pole.  99.992% of the population, which includes eight-year-olds who finger their butts throughout the day and then get on the subway.

I apply this technique all over.  When I push a door open, you better believe I’m pushing at a very odd location where I’d imagine most people aren’t pushing.  And no, this isn’t necessarily at the top of the door—I personally like to go right next to the spot where the door itself is attached to the door frame (a.k.a. the doorjamb for anyone with a decent vocabulary).  Who the fuck pushes a door open from there?  That’s right – nobody. Nobody, and myself.   Yes, it may look ridiculous, and yes, it is considerably more difficult to open a door in such a manner, but I’m not the one who’s contracting malaria from a door.

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