Previous Posts - Familiar Faces

Too Hot Food Face

Allow me to paint a picture.  You’re at a wedding.  You meet an attractive female and think she digs you.  A waiter approaches the two of you with a plate of hors d’oeuvres.  You grab a deep fried mushroom and pop it into your mouth.  Life is good.

Approximately one millisecond later, molten mushroom explodes into your mouth.  Adrenaline surges throughout your body, and you make the above face.  Tongue retracted so as to minimize contact with the mushroom.  Lips puckered and emitting short puffs of air, thereby facilitating heat-air exchange while simultaneously shielding onlookers from a view of the vile chewed-up mushroom.

Do you grab a napkin and spit?   Chances are you wanna keep talking to this girl, so you’re gonna need to take a gulp of water and transform your mouth into a marsh of soggy mushroom, watery mushroom batter, and deep fryer oil.  It won’t be a pleasant swallow, but it’s better than the alternative (which is pieces of skin hanging off the roof of your mouth).

This is the Too Hot Food Face.

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Familiar Faces: “Do I Know You?”

That dude right there looks vaguely familiar… I think.  Hmmm.  Yes.  Pretty sure he used to date this tall girl who lived down the hall from me freshman year…

I’m like 65% sure it’s him, which are pretty good odds, but not good enough to make me feel comfortable approaching him with an unabashed greeting of recognition.  Plus, even if it’s him, I don’t remember if his name is Steve or Greg.  I’m 90% sure it’s either Steve or Greg, but have no idea which one.  Shit, maybe it’s actually Craig.  And let’s not forget, there’s always the remaining 10% chance that I have absolutely no idea what his name is and, admittedly, a 35% chance I don’t know who he is altogether.  Clearly, I am not positioned to dole out an emphatic greeting.

But I don’t want to be rude, in case he noticed me evaluating him and firmly recognizes me as that dude who lived down the hall from his tall ex-girlfriend freshman year.  Without the confidence to speak up at first, I flash him this lopsided squinty half-smile, thereby communicating that I think I might know him but am not entirely sure, but don’t want to be rude in the event that it’s him.  I might even stick my index finger up in the air, not quite pointing at him, but enough in his direction that if he recognizes me, he will know the point was meant for him.  He’ll totally get it.

This is the “Do I Know You?” Face.

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Familiar Faces: Finding the Straw Face

“Wait a minute… where’d my straw go? I definitely wasn’t drinking directly from the cup.  At least I don’t think I was drinking directly from the cup,” thought Gregory as he struggled pathetically to find his cocktail straws while chatting with the girl in the corner of the bar.

Good thinking, Gregory.  Wouldn’t want to look stupid by breaking eye contact to look for your straw… Much better to hook it with your fleshy pink tongue.  Oh good, you missed again, and now you’re just waving your tongue back and forth trying to secure the straw, and she’s right there, watching the whole thing.  Real smooth.

Okay, she has now stared at your entire tongue for a semi-extended period of time.  Remain calm.  If she’s still talking to you, she probably liked what she saw.  You, my friend, have an attractive tongue.  I mean, I don’t think your tongue is that good looking, but she clearly does.

This is the “Finding The Straw” Face.

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Familiar Faces: About To Pop A Pimple

After an enjoyable evening, Bernie admires his milky white face in the restroom.  He spots a whitehead.  She’s fluffy, and she’s ready to burst.  He assumes the position—hunched over the sink, neck craned, chin jutting out to increase skin tension, thereby producing an optimal popping surface.  Bernie’s all business right now.  She doesn’t stand a chance.

Bernie is hoping that she’s a squirter, but he’s skeptical.  He’s been fooled by pimples in the past, having hoped for a light mist to appear on the mirror but instead, settling for a thin, mealy discharge emerging as one long, snake-like piece.

This is the “About to Pop a Pimple” Face.

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Familiar Faces: I’m Peeing In The Ocean

“It’s okay… no one’s looking.  I can totally pull this off”, thought the ocean urinator, while boldly peeing into the ocean.  “Stay calm.  Look like I’m just hanging out.  Minding my business.  Just enjoying the ocean.”

Buddy, I’m looking, and I can tell that you’re peeing.  Three key indicators:  Eyes gazing off into the distance, trying to create a façade of relaxation.  Arms slightly bent off to the side because you really don’t know what else to do with them. Openmouthed wincing grin, resulting from the gratification derived from drainage of the bladder, while at the same time, wondering if particles from the ocean are getting inside his peehole.  I mean, his urethra is obviously spread wide open since he’s peeing.  It’s a valid concern.

This is the “I’m Peeing in the Ocean” Face.

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Familiar Faces: About To Sneeze

Look out! He’s winding up for a sneeze!  Either that, or he’s having a really sad orgasm. Seriously, doesn’t it look like he’s crying and ejaculating simultaneously?  Because that’s what it looks like to me.  But he’s not.  He’s actually just a regular guy, sneezing on the street.  Not ejaculating and crying.  Sneezing.

This is the “About To Sneeze” face.

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Familiar Faces: Reaching For Your Wallet

I wish I carried a purse.  There, I said it.  You women with your fancy pocketbooks.  You think it’s easy to be a guy?  It isn’t.  You get that big, spacious purse to hold all your wallets and cell phones and diaphragms and stuff.  I have to cram everything into a 4-inch pocket.

So if I need to reach for my wallet, I’m gonna make this face.  Because I really am straining.  You think I want to look like this?  Don’t you think I’d rather just casually reach into a purse while smiling handsomely?  Of course I would.  But the reality is, my man-jungle is wrapped tightly in this denim, and if I cringe (NOT smile — cringe), I’ll have a better chance of reaching the wallet without having to physically stand up.  What?  Like you’re so perfect?   Don’t sass me.

This is the “Reaching for Your Wallet” face.

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