Previous Posts - Just Thought Of Something

Ed Sheeran A Heartless Monster, According To Heartbroken Old Lady



“Baby, I… will be loving you… till we’re 70…” — Ed Sheeran


But, ummm… Ed, buddy, what exactly happens once you reach age 70?  Are you gonna be like, “Well, my verbal commitment has now expired” and just leave?  Despite the undeniably catchy melody for “Thinking Out Loud,” your lyrics suggest that you plan to abruptly abandon your family (including the children that you likely will have created over the course of the past few decades, the pre-70 decades).  This is the year 2016, when many people live well into their 80s or even 90s… so professing to love someone until you’re 70 kinda sounds like you are preemptively setting the stage for a devastating breakup 40-50 years from now.  This is not the pre-penicillin era, homeboy.  70 isn’t that impressive anymore.


IN SUMMARY:  Based on the lyrics to his famous hit song, Ed Sheeran plans to hit it and quit it.




Let The Man Handle This…


“Yup.  Oh yes, indeed.  This is definitely wine.  It’s wine, everyone.”

Phew.  We can now proceed with the pouring of the entire bottle of wine, since I’ve given my official approval, as the man of the table.  Lord knows, only a man could possibly sign off on something that important.  We couldn’t possibly allow a woman, with all her feminine guile and intrinsic womanliness, to be the person who tastes the tiny sample of wine that the waiter pours into a cup upon opening a bottle of wine for a restaurant table.

Even if a woman clearly selected the wine and went so far as to discuss the wine selection with the server at length prior to ordering that bottle of wine, apparently, restaurant staff are instructed never to entrust the ceremonial first taste to anyone with a vagina.  Let’s move past this archaic tradition, society.  In fact, let’s just eliminate that ritual altogether.  If, somehow, the bottle of wine in question has been compromised prior to being opened, someone at the table (regardless of gender) will probably notice and alert the waitstaff.  I doubt testicles are required to detect that the newly-opened wine tastes very strongly like the liquid inside an expired can of tuna.


Special thanks to Sir Adam Fockler for inspiration and Sir Randy Ostrowe, father of Duncan, for allowing us intimate access to a moment between a man and his beverage. Absolutely stunning.


Attn: Twitter Community (URGENT)

past tense

Grammar question — Is twat the past tense of the verb ‘tweet’?

If not, can we make it so, effective immediately?  We look forward to hearing from you.  In fact, we are anxiously awaiting your response, Twitter folks.



I’m Sorry, What Did You Say The Author’s Last Name Is?

author name

I realized it’s never too late to consider using a pseudonym… (Attn: Carla)



I’m Not Sure I’m Properly Trained For This


I realized that certain beers need to be circumcised prior to consumption.



It’s (Not) The End Of The World As We Know It…

I realized it’s completely unnecessary to inform everyone that you’re still alive because the whole “end-of-the-world” thing was fictional.



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