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WIR Sports: Top 10 Names in the NFL (2015-16)



Now that Super Bowl 50 has come and gone — with Peyton Manning, Budweiser, and the Denver Broncos victoriously defying doubters’ and Las Vegas oddsmakers’ expectations — we at What I Realized have been reflecting on the entire 2015-16 NFL season.  We laughed; we cried.  We lived; we loved.  Some of us temporarily lost bowel control; some of us did not lose bowel control at all, like not even one single time.  Such is life as a fan of American football.  Technically having written an introductory paragraph to this post, we now feel ready to unveil our official Top 10 NFL Names List (2015-16 season).  This is a big deal, everyone.


PLEASE NOTE:  Our Top 10 list will NOT simply be a run-down of the 10 flashiest, multi-syllabic names in the NFL.  Although we do appreciate eye-catching, bedazzled names like D’Brickashaw and DeAndre and Barkevious and Jacquizz, this list aims to identify the 10 most all-around outstanding names in the NFL — like overall name quality, as a first-name-last-name combo (with optional middle name or hyphenated names).  We looked for names that make us feel jealous and insecure about the coolness and quality of our own names.  The process was emotionally draining, but totally worth it.


ALSO PLEASE NOTE:   At times throughout this list, you will see the term “sounds like“, which will always be followed by a specific description of what this name sounds like.  For example… the vegetable Baby Bok Choy sounds like a 14-year-old rapper.  Maybe he’s Asian; maybe he isn’t.  I’m not sure.


Anyway, in a very particular order (hence the numbers):


10.  Brock Osweiler (QB, Broncos):  Very heroic-type name.  Would be higher on this list if he played in New England, where the fan base would pronounce it “Brawk Awz-wyluh.”  Arguably the whitest name of all time; it is what it is.


9.  Captain Munnerlyn (CB, Vikings):  Powerful first name + dank, visceral last name = 9th best name this year.  Consider adding a middle initial for next season, even if you don’t have a middle name, e.g. Captain F. Munnerlyn.


8.  Will Hill (SS, Ravens):  Just like my man Buster (pictured above), this guy’s name rhymes.  I hope you got that joke.  I’m really proud of it.  This list is going great so far.


7.  Gary Barnidge (TE, Browns):  Sounds like a suburban orthodontist and loving husband and father of three, who is medium-bad at golf.


6.  Crockett Gillmore (TE, Ravens):  Sounds like an elite, old-fashioned financial services firm established circa 1949, i.e. “Crockett Gillmore, LP.”


5.  J.R. Sweezy (OG, Seahawks):  Sounds like a prolific, multi-platinum selling hip-hop producer turned kitchenware entrepreneur.


4.  Charcandrick West (RB, Chiefs):  Very official and regal sounding, yet distinctly NFLesque.  Solid A-minus.


3.  Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Vikings):  Presidential.  Very presidential, indeed.  “Ladies and gentlemen… President Teddy Bridgewater.”  See?


2.  Baccari Rambo (SS, Ravens):  Name suits the tough-guy role beautifully.  Pure intimidation and lots of vowel sounds, with a Sly Stallone kicker.


1.  Jim Bob Cooter (OC, Lions):  Only coach to make the list.  Unequivocally the greatest name among people currently working with the NFL in any capacity.  All names are NOT created equal, and in this case, it’s not even close.  Taking into account the non-hyphenated 1-2 punch of Jim and Bob along with an undeniably, let’s say… anatomical last name, JBC sits atop this prestigious list.  Congratulations, Coach! (Fun fact — Jim Bob is literally abbreviated from James Robert.)


Honorable Mentions:  Jaquiski Tartt (SS, 49ers); Blake Bortles (QB, Jaguars); LaAdrian Waddle (OL, Patriots); Julius Peppers (DE, Packers); Foswhitt “Fozzy” Whittaker (RB, Panthers)

Special thanks to Topps and Mr. Buster Rhymes for (please) not suing us for using the above image without asking.


Keep It In Your Pants, Coach…

Screen Shot 2015-09-11 at 10.46.28 PM

Wow… not even done with Week 1 yet, and New York Jets Offensive Coordinator, Chan Gailey, is either already sleeping with one of his players… or the victim of an unfortunate choice of words in this headline.  Yikes.  Well, nevertheless, we at What I Realized support Coach Gailey and his players’ decisions regarding their private sexy-time.  What goes on between two consenting adults in the confines of Coach Gailey’s private office bathroom is exactly that — private.

Again, though, I guess it’s possible that whoever wrote this particular headline simply did not read it, ever, not even a single time, before submitting it for publication (and subsequent tomfoolery on the interweb, at

I kinda hope they’re fucking.


Sounds Like Someone’s Got A Case Of The Cleveland Browns…

NFL scouts analyze and categorize players from number a different angles, using statistics and physical measures to evaluate the usefulness of that player to any given football team – height, speed (via clocked time during the 40-yard dash), vertical jump, and so on and so forth.  But we at WIR have noticed that, when making these determinations, analysts routinely neglect to pay any attention to a player’s gastrointestinal health.  We pose the following question:  why?

A nonfictional-okay-fine-he’s-actually-fictional offensive lineman on the Cleveland Browns recently revealed his lifelong affliction with Fear-Induced Defecation Disorder (FIDD), a nonfictional-okay-fine-it’s-actually-fictional medical problem, where a person literally has the crap scared out of him when under extreme duress.  This player described the emotional distress surrounding his condition:  “Yeah, it’s really embarrassing to shit myself on the field every time I face an intimidating linebacker or defensive end.  I was thrilled to be signed by the Browns, assuming their uniforms would be brown, which would mask the gigantic explosions of feces emanating from my butthole practically every game.”  He was dismayed to discover that the bottoms of the Browns’ uniform are actually white, making it exceptionally easy to see the flood of fecal matter spilling out of him each game.  The player continued, “What?  You think you’re better than me?  Let’s have Ray Lewis chase you around for 60 minutes and see how clean your undies are afterward.  Dick.”

This “player” has since put in a request to be traded to the Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, or Atlanta Falcons, all of whom wear dark, crap-masking uniform bottoms.  He’s still waiting to hear back.  Anyway, this not-real turn of events makes us wonder how many players have tummy trouble, and exactly how much of an advantage the Seahawks, Rams, and Falcons have in attracting these players…


WIR “Sports” Commentary: Jacquizz Rodgers?

I realized that Atlanta Falcons running back Jacquizz Rodgers has too many Zs in his name for him to fail, obviously.


WIR “Sports” Commentary: Lin God We Trust


In the spirit of “Linsanity” and the Jeremy Lin craze currently sweeping the nation, we at What I Realized have come up with some new Lin-related terms to add to the mix:

Linsomnia – an unwanted side effect of Linsanity

Lincontinence – getting so excited while watching Jeremy Lin play basketball that you literally shit yourself

Lindependent woman – a strong, sexy, confident female, who’s sassy like Jeremy Lin

Lin-dependent woman – a female who relies completely on Jeremy Lin

Lindianapolis – the capital of Lindiana

Jeremyocardial Linfarction – when someone gets so worked up watching Jeremy Lin play basketball that he/she has a heart attack (a.k.a. a myocardial infarction)

If you happen to know Jeremy, please tell him about these.  Thank you.


It Was Obvious He Was Gonna Break That Record All Season. So Obvious.

I realized some writers are a little gratuitous with their word choices.  Sproles “easily” beat Derrick Mason’s record of 2,690 combined yards by 6 total yards, or an average of 0.375 yards per week over the 16-game season.


Special Thanks To Craig Cohen for reading blogs by authors of various writing levels.

Whatever Works…

“Screen-play success” helped the Jets defeat the Chiefs, eh? Sounds like a pretty unconventional football training technique, but hey, maybe the creative process inspired the players to think on another level. I’ve got a few questions, though:

  1. Who wrote the screenplay… the whole team or just a few of the guys?
  2. When did they have time to write a 120-page script? Was it during the off-season?
  3. Is it an adapted screenplay or an original screenplay?
  4. Wait, is it a sequel to the acclaimed motion picture “Little Giants” entitled “Little Jets?”
  5. If it is indeed the sequel entitled “Little Jets,” is Rick Moranis still going to be involved?
  6. If your first choice is Rick Moranis, but he isn’t available, can I audition to play the coach?
  7. Why not?
  8. Will you at least take a look at my headshot and résumé?

That’s it, I guess.


WIR “Sports” Commentary: Penetrating The Defense


Sometimes, when the game is on the line, one must turn to special plays like the “Diagonal Power Penis” in order to get it done.


Special Thanks To Claudia Cieslak and Jordan Sill for rewinding the football game so we could pause at this particular moment and bask in the glory of an accidental phallus.

WIR “Sports” Commentary: Matt Spaeth


Announcer:  Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you Chicago Bears Tight End, #89 Matt Spaeth.

Crowd:  Yeah!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Announcer:  When I say, “Matt!”, you say, “Spaeth!”   Matt!

Crowd:  [confusion] Huh?  Wait, what?

When Matt Spaeth tells someone his name, how often do you think the other person thinks he said “Space” with a lisp?  He probably gets called “Matt Space” a lot, due to this particular misunderstanding.  There’s also probably a contingency of people out there that thinks Matt Spaeth has a lisp.  Maybe he does actually have a lisp too.  Let’s say, hypothetically, that Matt Spaeth has a lisp.  That’d be a hilariously uncomfortable situation… a several-minute-long conversation where the other person (let’s say it’s a shy but full-bosomed young lady in a bar named Gloria, who teaches 6th grade social studies and smells really nice) has to admit to Matt Spaeth that she’s not sure if he’s saying “Space” or “Spaeth”, since he has a lisp.  I’m sure she’d try to be nice about it by using delicate language, but it would still probably hurt his feelings a little.  Then again, he’s probably gotten used to his lisp by now, so maybe he’d just laugh it off, buy them another round of drinks, and end the night with a tongue-less but very heated kiss on the lips.  That’s the Matt Spaeth we all know and love.

Wait, actually, let’s go back to that hypothetical lisp scenario for a second.  If she knew he had a lisp before she asked him for his last name, she’d probably just assume his name is Matt Space and not even bother trying to clarify because that’s an extremely awkward question to have to ask.  She’d go on with her life, thinking she just passionately kissed a very romantic pro football player with a lisp named Matt Space.


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