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How Noble Of You…

 

iPhone autocorrects Hitler

 

Okay, Apple, we get it… you guys are super progressive citizens of the universe and blah, blah, blah.  The above autocorrect suggests that you are literally trying to pretend that you don’t know the term “Hitler.”  Hitler… arguably the most famous historical figure of the past century, and his name is not recognized by your very broad dictionary of terms?  If I type “Kard” into a text message, it automatically inserts “Kardashian,” but Hitler?  Nope, apparently, Apple is unfamiliar with this name.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that you also claim to literally not see race.  “Oh, is Alex Rodriguez of Latino heritage?  Since I’m such an altruist, I’d never make such a bold assumption.”  Please…

Also — with regard to the recommended autocorrect substitutions — what did “Lee” ever do to you, and why do you want to hit him?  I think maybe you’re falsely blaming Hitler’s actions on this Lee character, which is totally unfair.  So no, I will not “hit Lee” just because you refuse to acknowledge that Hitler was an actual person.

#History   #NotFoolingAnyone   #LeeMatters

 

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I’m Not So Sure A Card Is Appropriate For This Particular Event

Loss of Baby

I realized that some greeting card companies have gotten extremely specific, in terms of their categorized target markets…

 

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We’re Back, Mother-effers!

Classic Jacquizz

See subject line.

Words I Realized: Wriznutt

wriznutt [riz-nuht], n, v – sneeze-related shirt mucus; to sneeze this mucus onto one’s shirt

Oh, come on!  Right on the freakin’ sleeve?  Really?  Dammit, self, get your shit together.  How about a little bodily control, for a change?  Anyway, back to what’s important.  Did these globs of snot originate in my throat or nose?  It’s hard to tell for sure without an MRI or something, but I’m guessing throat because that sneeze was really powerful… so powerful that it actually hurt coming out.  That kind of force can easily propel phlegm from deep within the throat onto a shirtsleeve.  Luckily, this sweatshirt is grey, so there’s a chance the sputum will just blend in, and no one will notice.  But I’ll still know it’s there and will probably be walking around with that classic guilty, I-just-wriznutted-on-this-shirt look on my face.  Alternatively, I can just wipe it off and move on with my life, but I kinda want to make a big deal out of it, emotionally.

Ralph was the only one who caught supermodel Franny Gipperman wiping the wriznutt from off her fancy dress during a photo shoot for Cosmo.

Wait, wriznutt?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

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Don’t Think Too Much; Just Smile And Let It Go

“I have absolutely no idea which part of whose body my hand is resting on at the moment,” thought Freddy, while posing for an arms-around-each-other group photo.  “Oh well… no time to dwell on it.  Good thing I look so snazzy in these scrubs.”

Our pal Freddy finds himself in a situation that most of us have become familiar with, in the camera-using world.  You and a group of friends are posing for a photo to commemorate some sort of gathering, and naturally, you form a slightly curved horizontal line with your arms around one another.  I mean, it’s not like there are too many reasonable choreography choices here.  It’s already weird enough that you’re wearing full scrubs in what appears to be a high school hallway (judging by the lockers on the left side), so this formation is basically your only viable option, in terms of demonstrating some sort of normal behavior.

But still, your hand is resting on someone’s something, and you have no motherfreaking idea what it is or who it belongs to.  You’re pretty knowledgeable when it comes to human anatomy, but even your experienced hands can’t tell if your hand currently is resting on one of your friends’ shoulder, upper back, neck, or 4th nipple.  You sure are curious, but if you turn and look to see where your hand is placed, you’ll ruin the photo, which is a major party foul.  Again, why you’d all be wearing full scrubs to a party in a high school hallway is beyond me, but hey, you’re all individuals with free will, doing as you damn well please.  It’s a free country, right?

Seriously, though, who am I fondling right now?

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Special Thanks To Elizabeth Ranson, Amanda Widing, and David Xu for not suing us for using this photo without asking first. You’re all beautiful.

Apologizing To The Table

“Oops… sorry, man,” said Keith after accidentally kicking what he assumed was his friend LaMichael’s leg under the table during lunch.

“Ummm… sorry for what?” asked LaMichael in response.

LaMichael has absolutely no idea what the hell Keith is talking about.  See, folks, Keith actually kicked the leg of the table, not the leg of LaMichael, hence the initial confusion.  So although at first, it seemed like LaMichael was the big dummy for being so baffled, Keith was actually the big dummy for apologizing to an inanimate object.  It’s okay, Keith; table legs are meant to be kicked, brah.  It happens to all of us at some point.  Sweet shoes, by the way…

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Stop Lying

 

 

Who are you kidding?  Those aren’t “Nuts ‘n Snacks”; those are just nuts.  There is only one ingredient to this whole bag — nuts.  Might as well call it something cooler, like Nuts ‘n Angel Dust, if you’re just gonna lie about it anyway.

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Until Monday…

Friends,

Exciting news heading into the weekend – WIR has gone global. We have finally launched our international site, www.whatirealised.com, which will direct you right over to whatirealized.com. Also, in the unfortunate event of a typo, www.whatirealize.com also directs you to whatirealized.com. You’re welcome.

Blake and Matt

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