Do You Think Staring Me Down Is Gonna Get Me To Stop Eating My Candy?

What do you want me to do?  I didn’t design this candy bag.  It’s not my fault that the plastic is insanely loud and crinkly when I dive in for a handful. I’m trying to do it as quietly as possible.  And no, I’m not about to do the “pour a portion into my hand” technique.  Perhaps I’d consider it if they were gummi bears, but not Sour Patch.  I don’t want a lap full of sugar crystals, son!

Plus, aren’t you happy for me?  You know how bad I am at ripping open candy bags.  This here is one of the best rips I’ve had in recent memory.   And calm down, man!  Look on the screen.  The movie hasn’t even started yet.  Do you really need absolute silence to watch the “Welcome to AMC Theaters.  Please turn off your cell phones” portion of the previews?  You know I always finish my candy before the actual movie starts.  So just chill.

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