Fancy-Ass Toilet Paper


I’ve got a few problems with this package of luxury toilet paper.  Now, this particular bath tissue offers “Clean Care with Soft Ripples”.  Great.  Soft is good.  I see the value in soft toilet paper.  In fact, it is a praiseworthy quality.  But check out the upper right corner — 30% stronger?  I feel weird about that.  I’m not really looking for strength here.  There isn’t exactly a wide variety of tasks that this paper needs to accomplish.  Are you insinuating that, due to structural inadequacies, my old TP ripped while I was using it, creating a big mess?  Because that only happened, at most, four times per week.

Moving on… I know you’re just trying to be thorough, but you don’t have to include mathematical proof of how many roll equivalents are in this package.  12 x 2 = 24.  Got it.  When’s the last time you even saw a “single roll”?  Every brand now advertises its rolls as “double rolls”, somehow containing twice as much wiping power as a traditional roll.  Where has this alleged “single roll” gone?

And finally, where does the dog fit into all this?  “Our toilet paper is so soft, your dog can even use it as a paw rest.”  Shit, honey, better buy lots of that!  Otherwise, our dog will have to keep its paws on the ground, like every other fucking dog.

Just saying.


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