A Germophobe’s Guide To Handling Life: Homeboy Brought His Scotch Into The Bathroom

I never, ever, under any circumstances, bring my drink into a bathroom at a bar.  Why not?  Because I don’t want diseases, son!  Sure, that may sound paranoid, but at least I’m not the one who’s gonna catch hepatitis from his own cocktail.

My urine strikes the urinal at velocities that produce reverse-propelled backward splatter, and everyone knows that, similar to the rain cycle, evaporated urine can re-condense above one’s glass, thereby producing a cascade of unpleasant precipitation into the beverage.  And we’re only talking about MY evaporated urine. Now combine my evaporated urine with a mélange of different evaporated urines that are probably laced with various contaminants like asparagus, garlic, and riboflavin.

No thank you, plain beer sounds fine to me.  Hold my drink, chap.  I’m going in.


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