If I Do It Really Quickly, No One Will Notice


“I’m not trying to make things hard for the wait staff, but I’m eating ribs and I need another napkin,” thought Elijah as he contemplated an adjacent table napkin grab.

People like Elijah execute this maneuver when they need a napkin and there’s no one around to ask; however, it’s ironic because the second you do it, you feel like everyone in the whole restaurant is staring you down.  Because let’s be honest, you basically committed the restaurant equivalent of jaywalking.  You get the feeling that any second, the restaurant manager is gonna walk over and bust you and punish you by taking away your salt shaker for five minutes.  I always feel a tiny bit guilty when I steal a fork and then the hostess seats someone there a few minutes later. You probably wouldn’t care, but I do because I’m a good person with compassion and empathy.


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