Attn: Twitter Community (URGENT)

past tense

Grammar question — Is twat the past tense of the verb ‘tweet’?

If not, can we make it so, effective immediately?  We look forward to hearing from you.  In fact, we are anxiously awaiting your response, Twitter folks.

 

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Keep It In Your Pants, Coach…

Screen Shot 2015-09-11 at 10.46.28 PM

Wow… not even done with Week 1 yet, and New York Jets Offensive Coordinator, Chan Gailey, is either already sleeping with one of his players… or the victim of an unfortunate choice of words in this headline.  Yikes.  Well, nevertheless, we at What I Realized support Coach Gailey and his players’ decisions regarding their private sexy-time.  What goes on between two consenting adults in the confines of Coach Gailey’s private office bathroom is exactly that — private.

Again, though, I guess it’s possible that whoever wrote this particular headline simply did not read it, ever, not even a single time, before submitting it for publication (and subsequent tomfoolery on the interweb, at www.WhatIRealized.com).

I kinda hope they’re fucking.

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Okay, I Have A Few Questions About The Specifics…

AA and Chinese videos

For starters, when you say “African-American & Chinese videos,” do you mean both African-American and, separately, Chinese videos are for sale at this establishment or, rather, that you exclusively sell videos that are jointly African-American & Chinese (as is slightly suggested by the choice of ‘&’ in lieu of the word ‘and’)?

As a follow-up question, I’d also like to inquire as to your selection of hybrid African-American/Chinese films.  Please advise.

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I’m Sorry, What Did You Say The Author’s Last Name Is?

author name

I realized it’s never too late to consider using a pseudonym… (Attn: Carla)

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The Island So Nice They Mentioned It Twice…

 

 

LI Alzheimers Assoc of LI

 

Apparently, however, community group names are not subject to the New York State Redundancy Rules.

NOTE:  We at WhatIRealized sincerely apologize if it turns out that the person who named this organization is actually suffering from Alzheimer’s and simply forgot that he/she had already included “L.I.” at the beginning of the name.

(We acknowledge that, if hell exists, we may be headed there…)

 

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I’m Not So Sure A Card Is Appropriate For This Particular Event

Loss of Baby

I realized that some greeting card companies have gotten extremely specific, in terms of their categorized target markets…

 

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What’s The Polar Opposite Of Appetizing?

dump cakes 2

 

Nothing, and I mean nothing, about the title of this cookbook (or its slogan printed at the bottom) makes me willing to even consider buying a copy.  The sad thing is, the cherry-crumble-type dessert depicted on the cover actually appears very yummy… but all of that appeal instantaneously goes out the window once I know it’s called a “dump cake.”  You need to rename the shit out of this book, immediately.  Like today, if possible.  Have some self-respect…

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That’s So Meta…

Meta-Labeling

Meta-labeling… Redundant?  Perhaps.  Necessary?  Absolutely.  Really?  No.

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I’m Not Sure I’m Properly Trained For This

circumstella1

I realized that certain beers need to be circumcised prior to consumption.

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Coolest Doctor Name Ever

especialista

Soooooooooooooo, I guess this gentleman specializes in general medicine?

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What Do You Think They Sell?

christ

Yup, this shop is totally gonna make the name Christ famous…

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I’m Sorry, Ma’am… What Type Of Paste Were You Looking For?

Butt Paste

That’s an awfully fancy sounding name for an organization that makes a product called butt paste.  Unless… does France make all the best butt pastes?  They might.  I really have no idea, and I’m not willing to do the necessary research in order to find out.  Regardless, this product needs a more appropriate name in order to become a huge hit, something that really suits butt paste and the various other butt-specific items on their product line… a name like Uncle Howie’s Butt Paste, for example.  Or how about Big Ed’s Butt Paste?  I might purchase paste for my butt if it were personally endorsed by a big guy named Ed, affectionately known as “Big Ed.”  Just giving you some constructive feedback, Boudreaux family.

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Autocorrect Is So Adorable Sometimes

buttonholes NEW

Yup, that’s it.  You nailed it, Autocorrect.  This person is totally getting ready to finger some buttonholes.  Good catch.

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eBook Shaming (Tough Love)

Intentionally Blank

Don’t brag about intentionally leaving the page blank if it requires you to make that announcement on the allegedly blank page.  I’m legitimately concerned you don’t actually know what a blank page is.

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I’ll Let You Go…

Blake - ill let you go

After chatting on the phone for 10 minutes or so, Harriet said to Millie, “I’ll let you go…”

Oh, will you?  Will you, Harriet?  Wow, what a lady, granting Millie her freedom like that.  You’re a regular Abe Lincoln, except not at all cuz you’re a dick.  Stop projecting your desire to end the conversation onto poor innocent Millie, you hemorrhoid.

Just admit you’re done with the conversation, Harriet.  It’s okay… Everyone knows you and Millie have moved onto the fluffy part of the conversation at the very end, where small talk has started to dominate your dialogue, since you’ve exhausted any relevant stuff to talk about right now.  I bet Millie is done with this convo too; she’s just not pretending to be some kind of hero for bringing the worn-out conversation to an official close with a proclamation of fake righteousness.

Classic Harriet.

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