I’m Sorry, What Did You Say The Author’s Last Name Is?

author name

I realized it’s never too late to consider using a pseudonym… (Attn: Carla)



The Island So Nice They Mentioned It Twice…



LI Alzheimers Assoc of LI


Apparently, however, community group names are not subject to the New York State Redundancy Rules.

NOTE:  We at WhatIRealized sincerely apologize if it turns out that the person who named this organization is actually suffering from Alzheimer’s and simply forgot that he/she had already included “L.I.” at the beginning of the name.

(We acknowledge that, if hell exists, we may be headed there…)



I’m Not So Sure A Card Is Appropriate For This Particular Event

Loss of Baby

I realized that some greeting card companies have gotten extremely specific, in terms of their categorized target markets…




What’s The Polar Opposite Of Appetizing?

dump cakes 2


Nothing, and I mean nothing, about the title of this cookbook (or its slogan printed at the bottom) makes me willing to even consider buying a copy.  The sad thing is, the cherry-crumble-type dessert depicted on the cover actually appears very yummy… but all of that appeal instantaneously goes out the window once I know it’s called a “dump cake.”  You need to rename the shit out of this book, immediately.  Like today, if possible.  Have some self-respect…



That’s So Meta…


Meta-labeling… Redundant?  Perhaps.  Necessary?  Absolutely.  Really?  No.




I’m Not Sure I’m Properly Trained For This


I realized that certain beers need to be circumcised prior to consumption.



Coolest Doctor Name Ever


Soooooooooooooo, I guess this gentleman specializes in general medicine?


What Do You Think They Sell?


Yup, this shop is totally gonna make the name Christ famous…


I’m Sorry, Ma’am… What Type Of Paste Were You Looking For?

Butt Paste

That’s an awfully fancy sounding name for an organization that makes a product called butt paste.  Unless… does France make all the best butt pastes?  They might.  I really have no idea, and I’m not willing to do the necessary research in order to find out.  Regardless, this product needs a more appropriate name in order to become a huge hit, something that really suits butt paste and the various other butt-specific items on their product line… a name like Uncle Howie’s Butt Paste, for example.  Or how about Big Ed’s Butt Paste?  I might purchase paste for my butt if it were personally endorsed by a big guy named Ed, affectionately known as “Big Ed.”  Just giving you some constructive feedback, Boudreaux family.


Autocorrect Is So Adorable Sometimes

buttonholes NEW

Yup, that’s it.  You nailed it, Autocorrect.  This person is totally getting ready to finger some buttonholes.  Good catch.


eBook Shaming (Tough Love)

Intentionally Blank

Don’t brag about intentionally leaving the page blank if it requires you to make that announcement on the allegedly blank page.  I’m legitimately concerned you don’t actually know what a blank page is.



I’ll Let You Go…

Blake - ill let you go

After chatting on the phone for 10 minutes or so, Harriet said to Millie, “I’ll let you go…”

Oh, will you?  Will you, Harriet?  Wow, what a lady, granting Millie her freedom like that.  You’re a regular Abe Lincoln, except not at all cuz you’re a dick.  Stop projecting your desire to end the conversation onto poor innocent Millie, you hemorrhoid.

Just admit you’re done with the conversation, Harriet.  It’s okay… Everyone knows you and Millie have moved onto the fluffy part of the conversation at the very end, where small talk has started to dominate your dialogue, since you’ve exhausted any relevant stuff to talk about right now.  I bet Millie is done with this convo too; she’s just not pretending to be some kind of hero for bringing the worn-out conversation to an official close with a proclamation of fake righteousness.

Classic Harriet.


Headphones Knot

Headphones Knot

This happens every time I keep my headphones in my pocket.  Catastrophic.

A headphones knot is different from, say, a massive tangle in the squiggly cord of an old 1990s non-cordless phone.  Now, those phone cord tangles could get pretty disastrous; don’t get me wrong.  But a headphones knot is especially strenuous, as it often happens in public, when you face the challenge of disengaging this audiophonic devil-knot in front of onlookers.  Possibly many onlookers… watching, judging, giggling.  I mean, sure, technically, they could be giggling about ANYTHING, but in the interest of paranoid musings, I’ll assume all these hypothetical onlookers are giggling at me, directly.  Those snide motherfuckers.  The same kind of people who would silently or audibly judge you for doing this.

Anyway, these knots are a pain in the ass.


Just Stop…

 Watermelon Mint

I realized that, as a society, we’ve gotten a bit too liberal in terms of acceptable fruit-mint combinations.  This is out of control.  I blame Obamacare…


Words I Realized: Gornoggs


gornoggs [gohr-nogs], n – a gastrointestinal phenomenon wherein one’s bowel movement feels incomplete, as though there is still a substantial amount of feces remaining somewhere inside the dark recesses of one’s colon

I really hate when this happens.  There’s something truly unsettling about dedicating time to defecation, only to feel like you’ve only partially gotten the job done, like only 70-75% of the total turd volume came out.  It’s especially gross because, now, that extra feces is going to fester and rot inside me for days, potentially.  Ewww, right?  It also makes me feel bad about the caliber of my intestines, like I’ve got dumb, losery bowels.  I mean, what kind of man can’t even push out all his doodie in one go, nahmsayin?  In an ideal world, I’d get all of it out in one sitting… or, rather, one SHITTING.  Get it?!?  You see, it’s funny because of a pun involving the words ‘sitting’ and ‘shitting.’  I’m the best.

I had gornoggs this morning, and I’m not particularly happy about it.

Wait, gornoggs?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?


Special Thanks To Natalie Boss for naming this disgusting phenomenon, following ample personal experience with it.

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