Dealing with a Wet Face

We’ve all been there. You’re at a party and you get a little overheated.  You make your way into the restroom and rinse off your face.  Then, it hits you.  Either I’m walking out there with a dripping wet face, or I’m going to suck it up and use the moist, limp hand towel that everyone’s been using all night.

Let’s examine the alternatives.  You can exit the bathroom with a clammy face and explain to everyone outside the restroom that you are damp, not because you were over-exerting yourself in the bathroom, but because you didn’t want to use the soiled hand towel to dry your face.  You could also chance it with the toilet paper and try to not leave debris stuck to your chin (below).

You decide to swallow your pride and grab that hand towel.  The terry-cloth is damp and cool to the touch.  You think to yourself, “Who was just in the bathroom before me?”  With each passing wipe, your face is drier, but you can’t help but feel dirtier than you did before.  But hey, at least you don’t have toilet paper on your face.

 

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Misleading Product Names

I realized that a pedometer not only counts how many steps you take, but also sounds like a tool used to measure your likelihood of… ya know… being attracted to small children.

 

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Words I Realized: Groner

Groner [groh-ner], n –a unit of food, as part of a gathering of similar units, that is disfigured, discolored, and/or malformed to the point of inedibility

Eat that?  I don’t even want to touch that.  I don’t wanna catch what it has. And it definitely has something.  Because it’s the only one like that.  You can’t be the only grape looking like that and “not have something going on internally”.  If all the grapes were playing kickball, this grape would definitely get picked last because it’s literally halfway to becoming a raisin.

Keith didn’t want the sketchy green potato chip at the bottom of the bag, but when Cynthia asked him to prove his devotion to her by eating the groner, he had to say, “Okay”.

Wait, groner?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

 

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Pocky For Men

I realized that the days of gender-neutral candy are over.

 

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Men Who Leave The Stall Door Open While Urinating

I am not shitting, I assure you.  I am only peeing.  I’ve left the door open on purpose as indisputable evidence that I am only urinating.  I’m surrounded by defecators, and I don’t want that guy at the sink thinking it’s me stinking up the place.  I’m peeing.  Homeboy next to me is shitting.

So when you go back out there, make sure to tell people that I was not shitting…  but only if they ask.  Don’t just go out there and announce it, completely unsolicited.

 

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Until Monday…

Friends,

Exciting news heading into the weekend – WIR has gone global. We have finally launched our international site, www.whatirealised.com, which will direct you right over to whatirealized.com. Also, in the unfortunate event of a typo, www.whatirealize.com also directs you to whatirealized.com. You’re welcome.

Blake and Matt

“Healthy” Salads

You want to pig out, but you need to be able to justify it to yourself.  I got you covered.  Do a salad.

“I want eggs on top of my salad.  I also need fried chicken.  Lots of it.  And bacon!  Yes!  And suffocate it all with jizzy honey mustard dressing,” said Margaret.  You know what it sounds like to me?  It sounds like Margaret couldn’t decide whether to order breakfast or lunch, so she decided to get both bacon & eggs and chicken fingers with honey mustard.  Throw the medley on a bed of flaccid lettuce, and now it’s healthy.  Because it’s a salad.

 

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Nutmeats

I realized that the edible green matter found inside a pistachio shell is called the “nutmeat”.

Words I Realized: Ciggitch

Ciggitch [sig-ich], n, plural ciggitch – the hardened mass that forms on the dispensers of various products, typically the result of exposure to air

Remember, different products put forth different strains of ciggitch.  The genres include dry and mealy (mustard), pliable and gum-like (toothpaste), and curdled and waxy (hand lotion). Oh yeah, and flakey tomato sauce ciggitch.

An accumulation of ciggitch fell onto my sandwich when I applied the mustard, but I totally ate it anyway because I’m hardcore like that.

Wait, ciggitch?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

What Kind Of Award Are We Actually Talking About?

I realized that someone did not think this one through.

Children At Play

All the fifth graders knew that if you were looking for a no-nonsense game of  wiffle ball, there was only one place to go.  Todd’s house on Maple Avenue – the one next to the “Children at Play” sign.  Obviously.

Only the most badass kids in elementary school got to enjoy a “Children at Play” sign and the freedom that comes with it.  Want to organize a killer game of roller hockey?  No problem.  Cars will have to take the long way home.  Government says so.  Just check the sign.

How do parents go about getting one of these signs?  Did someone blow a councilman?   And which councilman, specifically?  Not that I’m personally interested.  But in case someone asks me, I could tell them, you know, without having to ask you again.

Don’t Let Impotence Ruin Your Sex Life

I realized that you shouldn’t let impotence ruin your sex life… just smush it in there while it’s flaccid.

Coffee Shop Tough Guy

“Yeah, give me one of those, uh, caramel maccha… mocchi… mo-cah-lah-do things.”

It’s pronounced “macchiato”, sir, and I know you know this because you order that drink all the time.  You hear the barista declare that beverage regularly with proper elocution, so you can drop the tough guy act for five minutes, especially considering you just ordered the Starbucks equivalent of an apple-tini.

Look, I don’t have a problem with the caramel macchiato itself.  It’s a perfectly fine beverage.  All I’m saying is that if you’re going to order one, stand by your selection. Don’t be like that guy who goes into a bagel shop and shouts, “I’ll have a bacon, egg, and cheese”, but secretly slips the guy behind the counter a note that reads, “Ignore what I just said.  Please give me a scooped-out, whole-wheat bagel with non-fat cream cheese, but when you hand it to me, please audibly say, ‘Bacon, egg, and cheese’.  Thank you.”

Words I Realized: Tagerleaf

tagerleaf [tey-guhr-leef], n, plural tagerleaves [tey-guhr-leevz] – the remains of a  spent bar of soap

I can’t bring myself to throw you out.  You were good to me over the past week.  You cleaned me.  You made my skin soft.  You touched my genitalia.  And for that, I am very grateful.  So what if you no longer produce a reasonable amount of lather?  No biggie.  You’re safe with me.  I’d rather let you dissolve peacefully in a proper soap dish.  Rest in peace, old friend.

Honey, I’m going to have to ask you to please stop running that tagerleaf up and down my butt crack, pretending it’s a credit card.  It was funny the first 10 times, but now it’s really annoying.

Wait, tagerleaf?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?

Really Direct Neon Signs

I realized that this place does not serve African sushi.

 

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