Peeing on the Side of the Bowl to Reduce Noise


We recognize that not everyone is blessed with a thick, well-rounded urine stream.  And while that’s perfectly fine, let’s be honest—you can’t have your new girlfriend’s parents knowing how weak your stream is and listening to the irregular “stop-and-go” nature of your urine flow.  And even if you do have a respectable, audible stream, you don’t want to disrupt everyone’s conversation in the living room.  What’s the solution?  Side-bowl urine deflection.  That’s what.

There are practical applications of this technique.  Maybe you got home after curfew.   Better urinate on the side of the bowl, or else the deafening sound of your urine stream pummeling the water is going to wake up your parents.  I’m really, really good at hitting the side of the bowl.  In fact, I’m so good that I could even rent out my services.  If you’re heading home after curfew and you don’t want your parents to wake up from your thunderous urination, just give me a ring.  I’ll be there in no time.  I’ll grab your cock and make sure your urine stream doesn’t come within 4 inches of the water.  And it’s guaranteed – if for some reason I fail, I won’t even charge you, which essentially would mean that I came over and grabbed your cock for free, which doesn’t say too much about me or my values or my morals or my self-worth, but hey, I was trying to help, and I take solace in that.

And for the record, yes, Blake or Matt (we’re not telling who) stood there with a camera while the other one urinated on the side of the bowl.  What, like you’re so perfect?


Breasts of Chicken

I realized that when this menu said “breast of chicken”, they weren’t kidding.


Words I Realized: Naith


Naith [neyth], n, plural naith – The stringy, somewhat elastic substance that surrounds a piece of deli meat

Naith is edible, although certain types are less forgiving than others.  For example, turkey naith generally goes down smoothly, whereas roast beef naith can pose a problem.  Globules of fat attached to its brusque, daunting exterior, can make it an unpleasant swallow.  Even so, don‘t just peel off the naith and throw it away.  There are starving children who would kill for that naith.

After performing the Heimlich Maneuver inside a local delicatessen, the hero stated that a large chunk of naith flew out of the victim’s mouth, freeing up his airway.

Wait, naith?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?



I Guess Enchiladas Are Just Mexican Crepes…

I realized that the term “lo mein” has yet to reach certain parts of the country.


Improper Meat Distribution

Please remind me — did I order a Vietnamese-style sandwich? Or did I order a pork sandwich and a separate carrot and sprout sandwich? If I wanted a carrot and sprout sandwich, I’d order a carrot and sprout sandwich.

A carrot and sprout sandwich? Are you fucking kidding me? A plain pork sandwich is at least reasonable, but a carrot and sprout sandwich is flat-out absurd. You need to learn how to properly assemble a sandwich, sister. Especially considering you work in a shop that exclusively sells sandwiches. What kind of deranged, no-good sociopath would do such a thing?  Am I supposed to eat this nonsense like a taco? I’m so lost.  Help me.


Hey, Look! There’s Ice In This Urinal!

I love peeing on ice.  I love it.  If given the option, I would urinate on ice exclusively.  All the warm urine glazing that glistening ice prairie, making a light crackling sound akin to that of 2% milk gently douching a heaping pour of Rice Krispies.

I hope you’re not eating Rice Krispies right now.

It’s unfortunate that all of our female readers probably never knew of this phenomenon.  Short of getting creative at home, women will never get to relish in one of life’s innocent pleasures and recognize the therapeutic value of this sound.   As such, I propose that alarm clock manufacturers amend their traditional lineup of soothing sleep sounds:  Rainforest.  Ocean Waves.  Thunderstorm.  Urine Hitting Ice.

Plus, it’s fun, okay?  It’s fun to melt ice with your own pee.



One Small Coffee And A Lot Of Napkins, Please

I realized that if you make the conscious decision to look at pornography in Starbucks, you probably shouldn’t sit near the window.




Words I Realized: Thoble

Thoble [thoh-buhl], n – the foil hole on a juice box designated for straw insertion

I don’t mean to brag, but growing up, I was quite good with a juice box.  Motts, Juicy Juice, Ssips Iced Tea – no problem.  Jammed that straw right in there at a standard 90-degree angle.  But I could not penetrate the Capri Sun thobles for the life of me.  I just couldn’t.  Something about the curvature of that trademark metallic pouch.  I’d end up cracking my straw and then having to bite a hole through the thoble and suck that bag of juice like a shiny silver teat.

Little Douglas pierced the thoble and squeezed the juice into a glass because he wanted to drink it like a gentleman.

Wait, thoble?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?




The Razor Blade Protection Initiative

I realized that some stores are a tad overprotective of their razor blade inventory. Seriously? You’re gonna lock them up in a vault? “Go ahead and steal the batteries, Brita filters, and 30-packs of at-home pregnancy tests” said the Rite Aid manager, “but you will NOT walk around all clean-shaven without paying for it.”




Merry Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day! What are you guys doing for Memorial Day? Huh? A barbecue? You seeing some friends? Drinking? We were going to go to our buddy’s house for a barbecue or a crawfish boil or something, but that didn’t pan out because he said something about it being cancelled or something. Soooooo, we’re just sitting here… on Memorial Day, just enjoying each other’s company. On Memorial Day. Looks like we’ll be here for the foreseeable future, unless, ya know, you want to invite us to whatever it is you’re doing. Because it’s Memorial Day. Time for friendship and camaraderie and trust and stuff. No pressure. Alrighty.

A Germophobe’s Guide To Handling Life: The Protective Sleeve Technique

The Protective Sleeve Technique is a versatile tactic utilized by germophobes of all skill levels. Even beginners can make use of this approach to brave that doorknob in the gas station bathroom.    But be subtle about it.   Gaze off into the distance to divert the attention of onlookers, and as an added security measure, wet your face, thereby focusing attention away from the enclosed hand.

Expert germophobes apply this craft in unlikely scenarios—pushing crosswalk buttons, driving a rental car, or shaking hands with someone who generally appears clammy; instead, give him a fistful of fabric.

The Protective Sleeve Technique can also be employed during random sexual encounters. Want to limit physical contact with that gross slob at the bar that you didn’t necessarily intend to go home with?  Leave your coat on, partner!  Use your wool sleeves to caress her buttocks or to take a firm grasp of his pulsating cock.  I mean, they’re probably too drunk to notice the difference anyway, especially if they haven’t said anything about you leaving your coat on.



Cutting Corners

I realized that, instead of taking the garbage out, my roommate just creates new garbages.



Words I Realized: Scrag

Scrag [sk-ræg], n – One or more stray pubic hairs resting on a surface, such as a bar of soap, urinal, or toilet

There are many variables that define any particular collection of scrag.  Curl. Length.  Color.  Amount.  You may wonder how it wound up there.  Was this person sitting or standing?  Which body part did this come from?  And perhaps most importantly, did these all come from the same source, or am I dealing with a cocktail?

Dude, I think I need to break up with Carol.  You wouldn’t believe how much scrag she caked onto my soap.

Wait, scrag?? I don’t get it… Can you explain?



Ridiculous, Sorta Racist Porno Title

I realized that apparently, “Oh No! There’s a Negro in my Wife” Volumes 1-3 were so successful that making the fourth DVD was a logical move.



Dressing my own Salad

I hate having to dress my own salad.  I’m just no good at it.   Sure, anyone can just “pour dressing on a salad”.  It’s distribution and proper mixing where I fall short.  In this instance, I was blessed with a plastic container, which greatly increases my likelihood of achieving some semblance of an evenly dressed salad. But put me in a buffet line, and I‘m hopeless.  You’re telling me I have to dress a small portion of salad on my flat plate without getting runoff vinaigrette all over my manicotti?

And somehow, all the dressing manages to accumulate onto one piece of cucumber, so I’m forced to rub that cucumber all over the naked greens, painting them with dressing, like I’m some sort of big fat idiot.




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