Shaggy Is Not A Skilled Defense Attorney…

busted 2


Many of you have probably heard the 1990s hit song “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, which begins with Shaggy’s friend desperately seeking out Shaggy’s advice on how to resolve a troublesome situation.

According to his initial statement, Shaggy’s friend was at home — petting, fondling, and ultimately penetrating his female neighbor “butt naked… on the bathroom floor” — until his girlfriend returned home unexpectedly, catching him in the act.  Overwhelmed by this veritable budussy tornado, his girlfriend expresses her displeasure with his unfaithful actions and demands an explanation.  He asks Shaggy how to respond.

Shaggy advises, very matter-of-factly, “Say it wasn’t you.”  After about 1.5 seconds, his friend goes, “Alriiiiiight…”  He took basically zero convincing.  He didn’t even wait to hear Shaggy’s other ideas for how to get out of this jam.  He jumped on that very first idea almost immediately, even though it’s an absolutely preposterous statement and, frankly, an insult to her intelligence.  Did you really think your girlfriend would be fine with it and just drop the topic after you responded to her legitimate concern about your commitment level by claiming that ain’t you?  C’mon, man.

There’s really no wiggle room here.  “It’s not what it looks like” probably isn’t gonna cut it.  I mean, she literally entered his apartment, WHERE HE LIVES, and walked in on a guy, who looks EXACTLY like him, intercoursing with the girl next door.  It doesn’t really get any more straightforward than that.  It’s not like she heard some bullshit rumor that he cheated from a friend of a friend of a friend; she physically witnessed his infidelity, like 10 seconds ago.

Also, as a quick side-note — the intro to the song suggests that this event occurred very recently, like within the past hour… so how the hell did he get to Shaggy’s house to ask him for his advice, amid this major argument with his girlfriend?  She’s like, “Explain yourself, asshole!”  And I guess he’s like, “Hold that thought,” then runs out of his apartment and drives over to Shaggy’s place to seek out advice?

There are some serious inconsistencies here, and I plan on getting to the bottom of it…


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