Sounds Like Someone’s Got A Case Of The Cleveland Browns…

NFL scouts analyze and categorize players from number a different angles, using statistics and physical measures to evaluate the usefulness of that player to any given football team – height, speed (via clocked time during the 40-yard dash), vertical jump, and so on and so forth.  But we at WIR have noticed that, when making these determinations, analysts routinely neglect to pay any attention to a player’s gastrointestinal health.  We pose the following question:  why?

A nonfictional-okay-fine-he’s-actually-fictional offensive lineman on the Cleveland Browns recently revealed his lifelong affliction with Fear-Induced Defecation Disorder (FIDD), a nonfictional-okay-fine-it’s-actually-fictional medical problem, where a person literally has the crap scared out of him when under extreme duress.  This player described the emotional distress surrounding his condition:  “Yeah, it’s really embarrassing to shit myself on the field every time I face an intimidating linebacker or defensive end.  I was thrilled to be signed by the Browns, assuming their uniforms would be brown, which would mask the gigantic explosions of feces emanating from my butthole practically every game.”  He was dismayed to discover that the bottoms of the Browns’ uniform are actually white, making it exceptionally easy to see the flood of fecal matter spilling out of him each game.  The player continued, “What?  You think you’re better than me?  Let’s have Ray Lewis chase you around for 60 minutes and see how clean your undies are afterward.  Dick.”

This “player” has since put in a request to be traded to the Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, or Atlanta Falcons, all of whom wear dark, crap-masking uniform bottoms.  He’s still waiting to hear back.  Anyway, this not-real turn of events makes us wonder how many players have tummy trouble, and exactly how much of an advantage the Seahawks, Rams, and Falcons have in attracting these players…

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