The Awkward Carry

“A bag would have been a smart call for this hero sandwich”, thought Julius.  “Here I am, trying to be all environmentally friendly.   Would you like a bag?  No, no bag for me, thanks.  I’m only a few blocks and I can surely carry my lunch a small ways.  Now here I am.  I’ve got a hoagie in my right hand, a Dasani bottle tucked away under my left elbow.  I’ve got a bag of fruit around my right ring finger and three-quarters of a pound of thinly-sliced Virginia ham, all neatly wrapped in deli paper, between my left thumb and forefinger and pressed firmly against my bosom.

“And I’m not gonna go back in there and ask for a bag now.  Because that would be silly.  I’ve committed to only a small fruit bag and nothing more.  Maybe I should hail a cab.  But what would I even use to signal to the driver?  My foot?  And how am I even going to open the cab door?  Would I place the Virginia ham on the roof of the cab?

“I mean, this stuff isn’t heavy at all.  It’s just the positioning that makes it hard to maintain the equilibrium of the various packages.  The chicken parm hero must remain right side up, or else the contents will spill everywhere.  Do I look like the kind of guy who wants his sandwich cheese to end up sticking to the interior of the deli paper?  Hell no.”



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