A Germophobe’s Guide To Handling Life: The Protective Sleeve Technique

The Protective Sleeve Technique is a versatile tactic utilized by germophobes of all skill levels. Even beginners can make use of this approach to brave that doorknob in the gas station bathroom.    But be subtle about it.   Gaze off into the distance to divert the attention of onlookers, and as an added security measure, wet your face, thereby focusing attention away from the enclosed hand.

Expert germophobes apply this craft in unlikely scenarios—pushing crosswalk buttons, driving a rental car, or shaking hands with someone who generally appears clammy; instead, give him a fistful of fabric.

The Protective Sleeve Technique can also be employed during random sexual encounters. Want to limit physical contact with that gross slob at the bar that you didn’t necessarily intend to go home with?  Leave your coat on, partner!  Use your wool sleeves to caress her buttocks or to take a firm grasp of his pulsating cock.  I mean, they’re probably too drunk to notice the difference anyway, especially if they haven’t said anything about you leaving your coat on.

 

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