WIR “Sports” Commentary: Matt Spaeth

 

Announcer:  Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you Chicago Bears Tight End, #89 Matt Spaeth.

Crowd:  Yeah!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Announcer:  When I say, “Matt!”, you say, “Spaeth!”   Matt!

Crowd:  [confusion] Huh?  Wait, what?

When Matt Spaeth tells someone his name, how often do you think the other person thinks he said “Space” with a lisp?  He probably gets called “Matt Space” a lot, due to this particular misunderstanding.  There’s also probably a contingency of people out there that thinks Matt Spaeth has a lisp.  Maybe he does actually have a lisp too.  Let’s say, hypothetically, that Matt Spaeth has a lisp.  That’d be a hilariously uncomfortable situation… a several-minute-long conversation where the other person (let’s say it’s a shy but full-bosomed young lady in a bar named Gloria, who teaches 6th grade social studies and smells really nice) has to admit to Matt Spaeth that she’s not sure if he’s saying “Space” or “Spaeth”, since he has a lisp.  I’m sure she’d try to be nice about it by using delicate language, but it would still probably hurt his feelings a little.  Then again, he’s probably gotten used to his lisp by now, so maybe he’d just laugh it off, buy them another round of drinks, and end the night with a tongue-less but very heated kiss on the lips.  That’s the Matt Spaeth we all know and love.

Wait, actually, let’s go back to that hypothetical lisp scenario for a second.  If she knew he had a lisp before she asked him for his last name, she’d probably just assume his name is Matt Space and not even bother trying to clarify because that’s an extremely awkward question to have to ask.  She’d go on with her life, thinking she just passionately kissed a very romantic pro football player with a lisp named Matt Space.

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